So, getting on the scale was hard for me this morning, simply because I knew. A person cannot have the sort of eating weekend that I had and not have it reflect in some way. Especially not 1,016 calories of Chunky Monkey.
Every single fiber of my being did not want to weigh in. But I went ahead because unless I decide to drop out of the My Long Hot Active Summer Challenge, it's something I need to do. Besides, facing the music is somtimes the only way to get the (Chunky) monkey off your back.
Now that this is said and done, I have a couple of thoughts which I've decided to share even though some of you may want to skip straight to the comments or to the next blog you'll be reading today.
1. My body l-o-v-e-s that damn weight. If you haven't figured it out yet, the whole reason this blog is named Doing A 180 is because of my sincere desire to get as far away from that weight as possible. But it just keeps repeating on me like a good bean soup.
2. While some people do not care what they weigh, I do. I am 5'6" tall. I don't care what anyone says (including my doctor who thinks I need to only lose around 10-15 lbs.), I need to weigh around 30 pounds less than what I do right now. In fact, 150 is not even my dream weight, or even my pre-thyroid issues weight, it's just what I know will be healthier for me.
3. The reason I mention my doctor: some of you may remember that she suggested I go on a 1,000 calorie a day eating plan for two weeks. Her reasoning is this: thyroid patients have horrible metabolisms even after getting rebalanced with meds. Active thyroid patients seem to have an even harder time. Her opinion is that my body has gotten used to 1500 or so calories a day and is now running like a well-oiled engine on this amount. The only way to "fix" that is to completely shock my system.
4. However, because I am extremely active and somewhat fit (I don't care what the body fat thingy on my scale says!), I honestly cannot wrap my mind around eating less than I do right now. Last week I burned over 3500 calories in exercise alone. Currently I take Muay Thai Boxing 2-3 times a week (1 hour classes) and I'm running 25 miles a week.
5. I have been thinking HARD about food this week. Longer followers of this blog will remember that I really don't remove any sort of foods from my eating plan as I feel anything in moderation is ok. My issue is the moderation, but it's not even a regular problem. Prior to Sunday night it had been so long since I had a food tantrum that I couldn't even remember the last time. Sure, I'll make my jokes with Charlie about the Cheez-Its (I do really, really like them), but honestly I work pretty hard at not thinking of anything as being forbidden. Because when I do, is when trouble starts.
6. So I've been pondering the thought that maybe I should stop tracking all together and just eat. As a thyroid patient and someone who feels completely betrayed by their body, that is a very, very scary thought. But I haven't run away from it completely.
7. My other thought all week long has been that I AM NOT WHAT I EAT - DAMMIT! All week long I've been clinging to the idea that I might not actually be a bad person because I lost it with some ice cream. I mean, yes, my body may show the effects of poor choices versus healthier options, but ME, the woman I am right now today, the woman I so much want to be, is not about the food I've put in my mouth. And that's just a fact that, at 50 years old, is time for me to come to grips with.