We've all heard these statements in regards to being healthy and getting to an ideal weight, right? But what is it? Is it different for each of us or is one of those things right? Maybe health and 'ideal' weight means something different for each of us too? Maybe it means I'll be fat.
I've gotten right back into my regular workouts over the last couple of weeks, although I'm still not back at the running levels I used to be at. In any case, I've been getting up every day Monday-Friday at 4 am and am exercising by about 4:45 be it at running or at the gym on the Arc Trainer or Elliptical. I also go to 2-3 Muay Thai Boxing classes. On Saturdays, I sleep in a bit later but still end up running. Sundays are a toss - I either take a walk or just take a day of rest. To some people, that's a lot of working out and to others, it's a drop in the bucket. For me, it's all I can do right now, even though on some levels it's minimal for me as I used to run a lot when I was training for races. I'm talking hours and hours of running, even in the mornings. But even at minimal, I feel good, I feel better than I have in a while.
Still? I find myself after MT classes or while driving to work feeling discouraged that I do all this working out yet can't seem to get my body where I want it to be. I wonder, will I ever, ever be satisfied? I mean, I know I don't want to diet right now but I am so very DISsatisfied right now. Miserable on some levels, truth be told.
The other night I was looking through old photo files looking for a specific picture, which led me to surf through my files. As I came on some photos from just last spring I found myself thinking how good (and happy) I looked - and yet I know at the time, where I was, where my body was, was not good enough. At the time I had no satisfaction. While I felt better, it still wasn't good enough. But right now? Right now I'd given ANYTHING to dial back to those pre-fracture months and have that body back. Have that weight back. I won't be re-posting any of those photos here because if you are determined you can go to my archives and see them. Besides, I don't need to have it rubbed in any more than I did the other night, when I had to stop looking at photos for fear of bursting into tears.
On some level, even though I know the weight I gained is because of the fractures and torn tendons, I'm so mad. Mad that I
All of this, along with my decision to stop dieting and weighing myself, has collided to make me ask the question, "Have I truly given up and decided to just be fat?" My BIF and maintenance blogger Shelley (current motto: Get Lean in 2013!) has openly admitted that she gave in to eating anything and everything she wanted for a period of years and gained 100 pounds. While not liking the physical effects, she will tell you flat out she enjoyed the food and never, ever worrying about what went into her mouth.
There are lots of times I feel I would like that too. Especially times like now when I'm working on getting back into a good solid routine with my exercise and feel slightly fatigued most of the time. On the other hand I feel if I gave into that I might just spiral downward so far I wouldn't be able to pick myself back up.
Besides, we all know whether you diet and weigh yourself or you don't, your appearance and your clothing will tell the story, and my story isn't a happy one right now. I have gotten victory over one thing though. In the past, I have put off real living for far too long, simply based on what I weighed and looked like. I missed participating in some really wonderful things. Believe it or not there was a time I literally would not have gone to the White House if I felt my weight wasn't exactly right. Over the past couple of years I have managed to put a stop to that and thank goodness, those days are over! At least I've got that straightened out. But other issues definitely remain.
Here's the thing: even though getting my black belt was an amazing accomplishment, in some ways I don't think it was good for me. Because if I can do that while I'm fat, I can do anything fat, right? I can, in fact, shut down the fat voices in my head and get bigger and just keep buying clothes that fit so at least I look OK.
It's not what I want, but it is what I've been wondering if I've decided to do. Yeah, in case you couldn't tell, I'm frustrated and discouraged after seeing those pictures. I'm questioning myself but I'm not certain there is an answer.