Thursday, December 31, 2009

Shooting for the Stars

I  imagine there will be a lot of goal listing and reflecting in blogland today.  Count me in.  Listed here, not necessarily in the order they will be performed are my goals: Shooting for the Stars, 2010 Version


1. To get back on track with nutrition. 2009 slowly spiraled down in this area and I need to remember how good I feel when I eat better and cleaner.
2. To not refuse to let the nurse weigh me at the doctor’s office. Which I have been doing for most of 2009. I’m not even sure why I refuse…
3. To get rid of anything larger than a size 10 and to wear the smaller stuff that is in those storage totes in my closet.
4. To wear size Medium consistently.
5. To not automatically reach for a blanket or a pillow when I'm sitting on the sofa in order to hide my pot belly.
6. To stop dodging cameras when I see them pointed at me.
7. To cut the crap with the alcohol intake. I used to only have an occasional glass of wine or other adult beverage and mostly on Saturday evening if we were out for dinner. That’s what I need to get back to.
8. To keep aiming at my first goal weight, which, ultimately, is 150 (then I’ll see) but I'm not going to set a date. I’ve spent a lot of years putting timeline pressure on myself and since my thyroid stopped working a couple years ago all that has done is make me feel stressed. If 2010 ends up being the year of the 150s great! But if not, no way am I giving up.
9. To, ultimately, weigh less at the end of 2010 than I did at the beginning.
10. To learn how to give myself a break, cut myself some slack. Being so hard on myself isn’t really helping and it may actually be hurting.
11. To cut other people some slack and not be uptight/stressed about things I cannot control.
12. To be more open to flying by the seat of my pants and not so rigid about planning every little thing.
13. To spend less and save more. The saving of $5 bills is working well but I want to try to up the ante so to speak
14. To not be so consumed with weight loss that I forget to enjoy my life and my loved ones.
15. Have a fabulous 50th Birthday. Not sure exactly what I want to do or how I want to celebrate but I want it to be memorable… or maybe even just one more trip to Grand Case, St. Martin, my favorite place in the whole world.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Wrapping It Up

I weighed in today at 184.6. This is a 2.6 lb. gain over the last two weeks and exactly where my weight was when I started blogging. It’s also 7.6 lbs. more than I weighed in January of 2009. I’d call this 100% failure on the weight loss front. Most of it is my fault. I started to develop an “I don’t give a damn” attitude because I have been trying since March of 2008 to lose 20 lbs. and swing wildly between giving it my all and giving up. I have been reflecting of this quite a bit over the last couple of weeks and tomorrow I will be posting some things I’ll be reaching for in 2010. I would say some are weight related and some are not but that’s not quite true. It’s all weight related for me I think.

My Hot 100 Wasn’t A Perfect 10

Steve set up a great challenge for us for the last 100 days of 2009 – The Hot 100. I decided to participate and even as I watched myself fail, I learned a whole lot about myself. Here is what I was trying to achieve:

1. Keep the alcohol intake to a minimum.
2. Track my food intake and keep it at 1500 calories or less as a weekly average.
3. Lose 6 pounds in the remaining weeks of 2009.
4. Advance to my next belt in Thai Boxing, which means I have to have perfect attendance and learn the material.

The absolute only thing I was successful on since my last update is that I did receive my next belt in Thai Boxing. Which I am proud of, for sure.

Overall for the entire Hot 100 Challenge I would give myself about a 50% success rate, but obviously giving it your all only 50% of the time doesn’t get you anywhere! Big lesson learned.

Thankfully, I have another chance as Steve has set up a fantastic challenge to get our New Year on track! The Perfect 10 Challenge so named because it is the first challenge of 2010, it is 10 weeks long, and during the course of the challenge we will learn 10 new things about the other participants. On top of that, there’s a fabulous prize for the random winner so go check it out.

My goals for the Perfect 10 Challenge (January 1-March 12, 2010):

  1.  Track my food. If I can’t get to a computer to do it, I’m going to write it in a notebook I will be carrying in my purse. As much as I get sick of doing this, I have to. It’s the only way I know to be completely honest about what I’m doing.
  2. Lose 8 pounds. These exact numbers are tough for me because my thyroid doesn’t always cooperate but I need to reach for something! Besides it will get me back to where I started 2009, as sad as that is.
  3. Run a minimum of 20 miles per week. This can be a tough one for me in the winter (when I'm not training for a race) because I have to put in more treadmill miles than anyone would ever want to ordinarily. But since I’d really like to consider doing some sort of road race in 2010, I need to make sure 20 miles a week is my minimum. 25+ would be better but since I’ve been averaging around 17 or 18 lately, 20 is my goal.
  4. Water: 64 oz. a day. Last year my doc changed some of my meds and for some reason the switch caused me to stop wanting to drink water. I know that sounds completely nutty but I honestly can trace my lack of water issue right back to that switch. I know I can do it, I just have to do it.  Period.
I know these are some pretty basic goals but based on how 2009 is ending for me, I need to get back to basics.

Finally, I'd like to say, I’m really grateful I discovered blogging, simply for the connection that it gives me with the rest of you. Even when I don’t comment, I do read and suck in encouragement from the things you write. Those who have struggled encourage me because I’m in the same boat and yet, we haven’t given up. That’s definitely something. Those who have had awesome success, like Steve, Sean, Jack, Fat DaddyKari and Shelley encourage me because I know eventually I’m going to be where you are. So thank you one and all - whether I mentioned you or not, you are the best! Here's to finding our Perfect 10 in 2010!


Monday, December 28, 2009

Bad Bad Blogger!

Hello blogland.  A quick update since my last pre-Christmas post then I'm off to read all your blogs.  I am interested to see if the daily bloggers kept it up.  I don't think I've been near the computer since around the 23rd because we were so busy.  Thankfully I get my email on my phone so I didnt' miss anything really important.

The visit with the daughter was lovely and hectic, as usual.  It seems like whenever she makes it home it's always for an event so we don't have much down time.  She spent way too much on gifts but I have to keep my mouth shut because she IS 30 years old and it's her money to spend! 

Christmas dinner was great:  I roasted a whole beef tenderloin (that's filet mignon, if you don't know) and made a fat free gravy as well as a fat full gorgonzola sauce to put on it.  Served with green beans, smashed red potatoes and homemade rolls.  My mother brought her blueberry salad and that made our meal.  No dessert.  Which was OK since my daughter and I shared a whole bottle of Prosecco so I definitely got some calories there.

Thankfully I kept up my exercise, working out every day except Christmas because the day after Christmas I lost it with the hors d'oeuvres and sweets at my hubby's family gathering.  Bad BAD BAD blogger.  Sigh.  Honestly, my stomach has been upset since Saturday but I won't groan and complain because it's my own damn fault!

I need to get together my personal and weight loss goals for 2010 and commit them to paper this week.  Anyone else working on that?

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas Darlings, Happy New Year Too!

A quick post to wish all my bloggy friends Happy Holidays.

I got up again today and ran on the TM.  That makes 3 days in a row.  I plan on taking Christmas off (hahahaha!). The garage temperature has dropped to 20 because it's so cold here.  Supposedly by the weekend it will be 45 and raining but there's so much snow I don't know when I'm going to be able to run safely outside again.  Boo Hoo!

The daughterly unit had a horrific trip home yesterday.  It should be around 6 1/2 to 7 hours driving and it took 11.  I was already in bed when she got in but hubby was up and said she was was unhappy daughterly unit.  It wasn't her fault and she was at the mercy of others so I know she was frustrated.  But, at least she's home safe and sound and we'll try to enjoy the few days we have together.

So that's it for me peeps.  I know I'll be back at least once to do a Hot 100 update (Steve?  How many more do I need to do?) but other than that I don't plan to be on the computer much after today for a bit.

I hope you all are blessed with Peace and Love and Joy over the next days and in the year to come!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Treadmill Tuesday

I got up at 4:15 this morning and was out the door at 4:45 for my run. (Gotta have my coffee first!) Unfortunately due to the early winter blizzard we got over the weekend I had to hit the treadmill.  My little city that I live in actually had to keep schools closed yesterday because there was so much plowing and sidewalk clearing to do that it wasn't safe for the kids - no place to wait for the bus.  Plus a lot of the kids walk and they would have had to walk in the street.

So, out the door to the treadmill?  Yes, because my treadmill is in my unheated garage!  It was 16 degrees with the windchill fluctuating between 2 and 9 this morning. In the garage it was a balmy 28 degrees - ha!  Actually, it's not so bad because though it's cold, there is no wind.  Plus I put a little space heater right next to the TM and keep my legs warm. 

Anyway, got my run done and as usual was glad I did once it was all over.

My daughter was supposed to arrive today but emailed us yesterday to say that she wouldn't be coming until Wednesday.  She lives in the DC area which also got 18 inches of snow and since they closed all the federal offices yesterday, she couldn't finish up the work she needed to do before leaving.  It's too bad that her arrival is delayed because she'll still have to leave on Sunday.

I don't know about the rest of you but my schedule feels off this week.  So much so that this morning I looked through some old running logs and discovered this phenomena hits me every year right around this time.  Things start to go screwball and it seems to take until the New Year to get back into a routine.  I keep having to remind myself that it's OK!

If you are struggling a little bit too and missed Jack Sh*t's Post May Your Days Be Merry and Bright, go read it right now.  Or, if you've read it once, re-read it.  It will remind you that we are human after all and life happens.

Monday, December 21, 2009

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas...

Hello Blogland - Happy Christmas Week!

Count me in among the snowed in. As you know, I took Friday off from work and spent almost the whole day getting most of my Christmas cookies/baking done. Thankfully I did make myself do a quick run while some of the dough chilled because it turned out to be a very busy day. When I heard the weather forecast I made myself go out around 3 p.m. and get my mother's Christmas gift started.

Friday night I had my first "live" test for my Orange belt in Muay Thai. It was nerve wracking standing there with all the sensei's watching me. Not to mention my sweet hubby sitting in the front row of spectator seats snapping pictures. BUT I DID IT! Just refer to me as Ms. Orange, thank you.

Saturday I got up and ran in the 19 degree temps. I wore my new Brooks running pants which I l-o-v-e! Still a very cold run though. Then I went out and finished my mom's gift, picked up my last gift for my famiy exchange and went home to wait for the storm. A big one was predicted - unusual for the coastal area I live in.

Yesterday we spent 4 hours digging out our driveway. I think it was around 2 feet plus the drifts because it blew like a blizzard and snowed all Saturday night and Sunday morning. The whole time dh was complaining that he didn't listen to me last year and buy himself a snow blower. Good thing he didn't because that's what I bought him for Christmas. It is sitting in his father's garage. I thought about giving it to him early but we still would have had to dig out the driveway to get to it so no point. Boy will he be surprised on Christmas day!

I supposed all that shoveling counts as exercise, right?

I have caught up on the blog reading I've missed over the weekend but I didn't respond to any because I'm late. I see that many of you are managing your holidays with great grace. I am happy to say that I haven't eaten so many cookies that I have a stomach ache. I've also managed to keep the Chex Mix munching to one handful. I know that sounds silly but it's a pretty big victory for me and very different from holidays past. Hopefully we ALL can keep it up for the rest of the week!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Mmmmmm cooookies!

Hello kids. I knew the title would at least make you look!

I took today off to do some baking. Believe it or not, because I love to cook so much, it's a treat for me and I find it relaxing. I just finished baking 5 different kinds of Christmas cookies and I haven't even tasted one! Now I must rush out to the store because our forecast for tomorrow has turned into 6-8 inches of snow. Granted I live near the coast so it might be a non-event but rarely do they forecast snow for us and nothing inland and that's what's happening now. Poor hubby is a butcher and he called me around 1:00 to ask if I'd seen the forecast because he was trying to figure out why his store was swamped. I have a feeling he'll come home tired and glad to see the cookies.

Before I take off I wanted to do my Hot 100 update for the last week. Here are my goals:

1. Keep the alcohol intake to a minimum.
2. Track my food intake and keep it at 1500 calories or less as a weekly average.
3. Lose 6 pounds in the remaining weeks of 2009.
4. Advance to my next belt in Thai Boxing, which means I have to have perfect attendance and learn the material.

1. The only time I drank at all this last week was Wednesday evening when a group from my job went out for our annual Christmas get together. I call that keeping it to a minimum and I also call that a pass.

2. Weekly intake average was 1547 so that's a fail but I'm okay with it what with the extras I've had to deal with this week.

3. Sadly, as I said last week, this isn't going to happen unless some sort of Christmas miracle takes place. But I did lose the pound I had gained the previous week so I'm good.

4. Tonight's the night I make this goal. I have my very first ever "LIVE" test. Meaning I have to stand in front of my senseis and an audience and take my test. Assuming I don't completely lose it I will be an orange belt sometime around 7 p.m.

All in all a pretty good week, even with the holiday rush. Now I must go rushing off so I'll have to be back later to catch up on my blog reading!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Too Busy for a Picture

Quick post  - busy day!

Weigh in today 182. (Sorry no photo, no time again this morning.) That's a pound and I'll take it but I thought I might have gotten 2 this week since I had that weird gain last week.  On the other hand, the way my weight has been bouncing around I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever see 2 or 3 lb. weeks again.  Hmmm....

On another note, if you haven't seen her post yet go visit Fat Free Me immediately - she has made her goal!!!!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Just Sittin' and Thinkin'

Morning bloggy peeps!  Here it is Tuesday already and only 10 more days until Christmas.  I feel like these ending days of 2009 are flying by!

Yesterday I wrote about overwhelming feelings - some of which are being caused by the season and the rest of which are being caused by the family.  Thanks for your encouragement on both fronts.

I had some down time during the late afternoon which gave me a chance to think and see if I could come up with a plan to reduce the stress.  Shelley mentioned that she just got her Christmas cards out and for some reason, right when I read her response I finalized my decision NOT to send out cards this year.  I have been putting that off because I wasn't feeling like doing it.  So, I will go ahead and buy personal cards for my husband and daughter but all those other cards - not this year.  Just making that decision helped to lighten the load.  Another thing that has been eating at me is the time being taken up by the karate classes I have been trying in December.  While I am enjoying the classes, they are held later in the evening - 6:45 or 7:00.  By the time I take the class, get home, showered and have a bite to eat, it has been almost 9:00.  That's not super late except I get up at 4:15 so I can run.  Makes for a really long day.  Yesterday as the day progressed I found myself feeling resentful that I "had to" go to karate. When I got home I talked it over with hubby and he pointed out to me that I was just trying it out and that if it wasn't working for me, just drop it.  So I made the decision last night to not sign up for the karate but to stick with the Thai Boxing.  Those classes are at 5:30 which gets me home and showered and fed by 7:30.

I can't believe how much better I feel today.  Two simple decisions that lifted a huge load off.  Why is it that we allow things to get complicated and overwhelm us? I'm sure some of it is from my upbringing ("if you start something you finish it NO MATTER WHAT") and my perfectionist streak (that I have to watch so that it doesn't take over my life). So silly!

Believe it or not, all of this got me thinking about my approach to weight loss.  I haven't fully decided what yet, but I know I'm going to be making some changes in the New Year. I think changing things up can be a good thing. Stay tuned.  In the meantime, for the rest of 2009 I am going to try to reach as many of my Hot 100 goals as possible.  The Hot 100 has been a great exercise for me because I'm not going to ace it so I have to let go of that perfectionism and put all I can into the last 16 days of 2009.

Are any of you rethinking your goals or plans in regards to your weight loss/maintenance?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Don't Stop Believin'

I had yet another busy, busy weekend. At least we finished the Christmas shopping for the little nieces/nephews that we give to. Now all that needs to be done is the wrapping. I swear, I don’t know where the hours go but before I knew it, I blinked and it was Sunday evening at 10:00 and I needed to go to bed to rest up for this work week.

I have been fighting a terrible mindset most of the weekend: “I’m tired of trying so hard and not getting results so I’m going to quit now and start again in January.”

I hate when my mental state gets like that and usually it is stress induced, which it was again this time. I haven’t heard a peep from anyone since the Thanksgiving family drama – until an email from the brother I grew up with arrived on Friday. He wants to get together and talk, so he’s coming to my house this Sunday. He lives 3 hours away from me and must really have something to say because he has refused to call me and insisted on meeting in person. When my hubby and I were discussing the whole situation again this weekend, I ended up feeling agitated and anxious. Which I think has led to me feeling like I just want to lay down and pull the covers over my head and start over in January.

Some of this might be from feeling Seasonally Overwhelmed too... so much to do, not enough time.

Of course the blog world is conspiring to keep me on track whichmeans that Steve’s Motivation for Monday blog is pretty much all about where my head has been so now I feel silly for wanting to quit.  Even though the feeling hasn’t quite left me yet. I think it’s going to be a matter of sheer willpower for a day or two and then I’ll be fine again.  I just have to keep on believing that if I continue to try I will get where I want to be eventually.

I decided to take Friday off from work so that I could have a full extra day at home to finish things up, get some baking done, and get things together so that next week all I have to do is concentrate on making it through the work week.

Can you believe Christmas is only 11 days away?

How about the rest of you -- how are you hanging in during this "Most Wonderful Time of the Year?"

Friday, December 11, 2009

You Have Questions?

A group of people from my job went to look at a piece of artwork this morning that the company is considering buying to put up as a tribute/memoriam to my boss.  It's a limited edition sculputure of an eagle and a flag.  My boss was a huge patriot and those two things really symbolize him.  I wasn't wowed, even though it was a very nice piece of art.  I realized on the drive back to the office that I might not ever like anything that is chosen.  He had such a huge presence I can't imagine being able to fully express him and his life in the correct way.  I guess that's true of anyone we care about.

I have been asked some questions over the last week in the comments on my blog.  I always struggle on whether or not to go back and answer immediately, let it go, or do what I'm going to do today - answer them in a separate blog.

Shelley asked me if my Christmas Tree was a Noble Fir.  Nope, it's a Balsam.  Sometimes we choose a Fraser Fir but the Balsams looked better this year.

Sandra asked me what I wear when I run in the cold.  I know this will sound silly to some of you but it completely depends on just how cold it is.  For the cold we will be experiencing tomorrow morning (20s with wind chill) I will wear two pairs of leggings, a long tank style sports bra, a long-sleeved technical shirt, a wind buffer jacket, gloves, a headband, two pairs of socks and of course, my runnign shoes.  All of the clothing (including the jacket) is wicking style, meaning as I sweat it pushes the sweat away from my body to the outer layer of the clothing so that it will evaporate and dry.  I remember when I first started running I wore cotton.  Yikes!  I can't even imagine taking a short 3 mile run in a cotton t-shirt now.  Technical clothing can be expensive but I'm lucky in that I often find it at the local TJ Maxx or Marshall's for about 1/3 of the cost.

One of the best tools anyone who wants to exercise outside can use is the What to Wear feature on Runner's World.com.  In fact, usually at the beginning of every seasonal change I use it because I can never remember what I like to wear when it's say 45 degrees vs. 25 degrees.  Check it out, you'll love it.

Finally, Jack asked me if I would come to his house to decorate.  Since Jack is celebrating opposite day today, I will answer like this:  "Of course Jack.  There's nothing more I'd rather do this weekend than to be at your beck and call and decorate your house and tree!"

I hope everyone has a great weekend and if you haven't finished already, finds the time to finish up Christmas/Hannukah shopping!  Oh, and of course, to eat great and find the time to exercise too.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

A Little Late and A Pound Short

I have had such a busy morning that I didn’t even have time to pop into Blogger and get this posted. But here I am finally with this week’s Hot 100 update.

Here are my goals:

1. Keep the alcohol intake to a minimum.
2. Track my food intake and keep it at 1500 calories or less as a weekly average.
3. Lose 6 pounds in the remaining weeks of 2009.
4. Advance to my next belt in Thai Boxing, which means I have to have perfect attendance and learn the material.

Here is how I did:

1. Not only did I keep alcohol to a minimum, I think over the last 7 days the only wine I had was at my company’s Business After Hours on Tuesday evening. Seriously, this time last week I had an open bottle of wine in the fridge that was half full. I went to the liquor store over the weekend and bought a couple more bottles and threw them in the wine rack. Today as I write this, that half full bottle is still sitting in the fridge and no bottles were opened. I won by 1000% on this one this week – yay me!

2. Average caloric intake was 1377. Yay me again!

3. Alright, this is a tough one. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I gained 1.2 lbs. this week which means in all likelihood I will not make this goal. I needed to lose another 1.2 (not gain it) in order to stay on track! As I said in my post yesterday this is probably completely hormonal or thyroidal but I just do not have any way of knowing. As my friend said to me last night, “Girl with the way you eat and the exercise you do, you should be a stick!” I KNOW. What I have been working on is not getting frustrated and giving up, which I have managed well this week, and so for that I say yay me again.

4. So far so good on this one but I really won’t know until next week what the deal is because this is a short month with the dojo being closed the week between Christmas and New Years. They may not even test for belts before the year end – but that wouldn’t be my failure would it.

All in all I am very (and weirdly) happy. Yes, I would like the scale to move but honestly I really am trying my very, very hardest. What more could I ask of myself?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Silly Rabbit, Tricks are for Kids

This is going to be a quick one today.  It is weigh in day for me but I didn't have time to take a photo of the weigh in so you'll just have to trust me.  183.  Which means that pretty much inexplicably I am up 1.2.  That also means it's got to be hormonal or something really odd like that.  I am not letting that number make me or break me today because I still feel powerful and I refuse to let 3 digits take that away.

We're having the most awful weather this morning.  My normal 20 minute commute took me 45 minutes so that's how my workday started.

My real day started with a hard, fast run on my treadmill - woo hoo - I've got the power!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I've Got the Power

I feel very powerful today.  I love this feeling and hope it lasts for a few days.

Last night after work, I went to my Thai Boxing class then immediately following I took a Karate class.  Then I got up at 4:20 this morning and was out the door at 4:45 for a 45 minute run.  Yes, it was cold (29F) and dark but it wasn't windy or icy and I warmed up quickly.  It's all about the gear when you run in the cold.

Anyway, I think the fact that I was able to endure all that exercise in a 12 hour period is what is making me feel powerful. I feel like I can conquer ANYTHING!  Did I mention I love this feeling?

Thank you Linda at Diva Weigh for this award!



She said she gave it to me because of yesterday's post where I reminded her about Christmas.  Glad to put the Ho! in your holiday Linda.  If you haven't already, check out her blog - she usually has some kicking recipes posted!


Monday, December 7, 2009

What A Weekend!

Boy was I busy -but in a good way! 

Saturday morning I got up early to get in a run because our whole day was going to be full of activity.  By 8:30 we were cleaned up and out the door.  First stop, one of our favorite breakfast places for a big breakfast because we weren't going to have time to eat until much later in the day.  Left there and went off to get our Christmas tree.  Unfortunately it was raining and we go to a tree farm but we had come prepared with boots for the mud and umbrellas for our head.  We've been going to this tree farm for 24 years and have experienced every sort of weather but this was the first time ever we've gone in the rain.  Here's a picture of my living room with the decorated tree.  The centerpiece on the coffee table was made from the extra branches we cut off the bottom.



I actually took that picture yesterday because all we managed on Saturday was to get the tree up and hubby got the lights on. 

Saturday night our karate dojo had their Black Belt Spectacular so we went to that then off to our first party of the season.  The organizers sent out the invitation and asked anyone attending to "pay" their way in with a donation.  They chose four different local charities:  the homeless shelter, the food bank, the battered women's center, and a thrift shop that specifically receives donations of household goods that they turn around and give to homeless who are trying to get back on their feet. I had so much fun picking out the items we donated:  a large bag of brand new hats, scarves and gloves, a large bag full of cosmetic items (shampoo, toothpaste, q-tips, etc.) and a huge box of food.  We loved the idea of this party and to top it off, the party was so much fun!

Sunday, I finished decorating the tree, cleaned the house, cooked several meals for the upcoming week and wrapped all the gifts I've bought so far.  That literally took me 12 hours.  Honestly I feel like I needed to go to work this morning to get some rest!

All in all it was a productive weekend and I also managed to get in my exercise and keep my eating fairly controlled.  Party choices aren't always easy but as I've said before, I try to do the best I can in the situation I'm in.

Now, I need to go off and check out blogs as I've been totally unplugged since Friday!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Wrapping Up the Week

Once again I have been gifted with a blog award by Lori-Ann at Amazon Runner and Sandra at My Travels to Becoming A Better Me:




Thank you ladies! I enjoy your blogs equally as much, appreciate your kind comments on mine, and am proud to call you my “Imaginary” friends!

As I’ve mentioned several times, I haven’t been feeling well and finally got some medication. I’m still not feeling as well as I think I should be so I’m hoping I don’t have to do a second round of antibiotics. I was up for 2 hours in the middle of the night trying to calm my cough down. Even cough syrup wasn’t helping. Needless to say when the alarm went off at 4 I hit snooze a couple of times and didn’t make it downstairs to coffee until 4:30. I stuck to my plan and ran but decided to run on the treadmill rather than outside in pretty cool air.

I have been waking up feeling “empty” for several days in a row now. This morning I recalled that usually means my body is trying to lose weight. I sure hope so. My goal at the beginning of 2009 was to lose 20 lbs. My goal now is to not weigh more on December 31 than I did when the year started. Looking back at my charts, etc. I realized I have been bouncing up and down 6 lbs. all year long. Soooooo frustrating.

I’ve been taking a long hard look and have to admit I think I let the frustration get too much of a hold on me several times so that I quit everything to do with controlling portions and eating properly (I never quit exercising though). I know I shouldn’t let what a scale is telling me control my emotions and patterns with food but somehow I’ve yet to fully take hold of that. I think part of it goes to when I initially gained back the 20 lbs. In January of 2008 I weighed 158. By April 1 I weighed 168. I had changed nothing but my thyroid whacked out and I didn’t know it. Of course when I got my bloodwork done and got the results, I knew why I’d had that steady gain. It didn’t make me feel any better knowing it was a medical thing. The doc changed my meds and I kept at trying to lose. Then I started training for a marathon and gained another 7 lbs. I was hungry all the time and couldn’t seem to balance how much running I was doing (40+ miles/week) with what I needed to eat. After the marathon was complete and my running was drastically cut back, I gained another 3 lbs. and ended 2008 at 178. Talk about a hard, hard fall.

Yesterday, Fat Daddy Rants wrote in his blog, “Will there be a reward for watching my pals and my dad, chow down while my belly growled? Am I the only one who still resents that? I know it is for my own good, but Holy Shit, sometimes I just want to cut loose.”

That really struck a cord with me. Time to stop cutting loose, time to focus. So once again my 2010 goal will be to lose 20+ lbs. My only hope is that my thyroid will stay in check.  In the meantime I try to  keep my eyes on the prize and hopefully get some of the "+" off before December 31st.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Blogger is Acting Up, Perhaps It Needs A Side of Peppers?

Mini-Vent: Why does Blogger act up for no apparent reason?  Two days ago it wouldn't show that I had any comments - thankfully I get notified via email.  Yesterday,  it wasn't showing that I posted at all.  Sometimes I can't see my friends; sometimes a person posts first thing in the morning and it shows up in my blogroll 6 hours later.  Sigh.  Okay, all better now.

If you didn't see yesterday's post, please go check out my weigh-in - then see below.  YAY!

Before I get to my Hot 100 update I should mention that I finally succumbed to antibiotics on Monday and am finally starting to feel better, which helps with meeting goals.

1. Keep the alcohol intake to a minimum.
2. Track my food intake and keep it at 1500 calories or less as a weekly average.
3. Lose 6 pounds in the remaining weeks of 2009.
4. Advance to my next belt in Thai Boxing, which means I have to have perfect attendance and learn the material.

1. I'll give myself a half pass on this one.  Drank quite a bit of wine on Thanksgiving and the day after when we got together with my in-laws.  Unfortunately, I let the stress of the day drive that decision.  But I haven't had anything to drink since last Friday so it's all good.

2. Tracking was good and average was 1501 calories, if you didn't count Thanksgiving where I allowed myself an extra 1000.  But I did track, including all the wine I drank.  So maybe a three-quarters victory.

3. I lost 1 lb. this week.  You know I was hoping for 1.2 or more because I was short the .2 last week but hey a pound is a pound and it's a brand new week. Plus, I lost during a holiday week.  Amazing.

4. Got in my Thai Boxing classes and also decided to try out regular Karate for the month of December.  I can't believe how much I'm enjoying the addition of martial arts to my exercise program!

Thanks again Steve for motivating us to be the best we can be as the year draws to a close.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Wednesday Woot!



Another pound bites the dust! To have it happen during a holiday week that was also extremely stressful makes me very, very happy. It also keeps me on track to meet my goal of losing 6 lbs. by the new year.
 Too bad you can't see me right now because I'm grinning from ear to ear.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Wax On, Wax Off

I don't even know how to say thank you to all of you who commented on yesterday's entry.  Just at the moment I was feeling completely and utterly alone, once again my blogging friends came along and reassured me it will be okay.  You even shared some of your own frustrations and pain from similar experiences and gave me some really good insight and wisdom.   It was hard for me to write that blog and it certainly had nothing to do with weight loss per se but truly writing my feelings out was exactly what I needed to do.  Though my family may have forsaken me, you all did not.   I am grateful to have so many new "imaginary" friends!

I have been an exercise queen lately and am finding that it is actually helping my motivation to eat better.  Here is what this week's schedule looks like:

Sunday:  Run (5 hard, fast miles done)
Monday: Thai Boxing (45 min. class done)
Tuesday: Run & Karate (4.5 miles done, taking my very first karate class tonight)
Wednesday: Run & Karate
Thursday:  Thai Boxing
Friday: Run
Saturday: Run & Hike through a Christmas Tree farm to pick out the perfect tree

I decided last week that I wanted to try actual karate because I am enjoying the Thai Boxing so much.  The dojo owners are graciously letting me try it at no cost for one month.  I need to figure out if I can commit to it the way I would need to - 2 days a week only but added in to my current life it could get a bit whacky.  I figure if I can hang in there in December, I'm good.

Hope the rest of you are finding yourselves back on track and working hard for the last 30 days of 2009.  If you're not, why not start right now?

Monday, November 30, 2009

Mini Meltdown - Long Read

Holidays have always been stressful for me.  For 10 years I was a single parent and the stress evolved around being able to provide a little something for my daughter.  I also had some years mixed in there where I was with someone my mother didn't like so I was invited to family holiday events but he was not.   Which, of course, meant I didn't go.  For the past 20 years I've been with the man I'm married to now and the stress was around where we should go.  Up until a few years ago we were the only couple who had both sides of the family local.  So it was always a tug and pull from both sides and often led to arguments between my husband and me.  One year I actually had a sister-in-law write me a not very nice letter about how I was keeping her brother from his family.  Literally, if it wasn't one thing it was another.

We finally worked out Thanksgiving by alternating between the two families, which is fine with me because I didn't want to host anyway.  On the other hand Christmas anxiety got so heavy that I finally got sick of the tension and around 10 years ago I put my foot down and said that I didn't care if I was the only person sitting at the table, I wasn't going to do anything for Christmas except cook my own meal and anyone who wanted to come was invited.  Around that same time, both families' younger siblings were marrying and having kids and they didn't want to go anywhere on Christmas Day either.  On both sides we decided to have Christmas family get-togethers on a day other than Christmas. That has worked fine for all these years and really has taken the pressure off.

This year, on my side of the family, we have been apprehensive about the holidays because this is the first set since my brother-in-law passed away.  Pretty much since they got married my sister has hosted Thanksgiving.  This year she flat out said she couldn't do it.  Of course we understood and my mother happily took Thanksgiving.  The day arrived and she seemed sad and a bit withdrawn but was managing to participate. 

On Thanksgiving my siblings and I always discuss when we will have our family gathering.  We had a previous chance to be together for my sister's kids birthdays in October and had said we would put aside the weekend of December 19 & 20 and finalize on Thanksgiving.  My sister also informed us at that time that she was flying to Texas on Christmas day to spend time with her husband's family.  I have to admit my feelings were a bit hurt  - not because she was doing this - but because she has spent Christmas Day at my house for years and it would have been nice if she had at least given me a call to let me know instead of just springing it on me.  I talked with my husband about it all and he said he wasn't surprised because she has been making sudden decisions and he feels her thinking is irrational right now.  I got over it and moved on.  Which brings us to Thanksgiving Day.

After dinner and dessert we were all sitting around the table and someone brought up Christmas.  So we started discussing and I mentioned that my husband's schedule had, in fact, been changed and Saturday was the only day he could participate.  (He works late on Sundays and we have to get together a bit earlier because of the little ones.) Immediately my sister said unless we did "lunch" she wasn't coming because she had tickets to a show.  I was astonished because we had all agreed to put those days aside until we finalized our plans.  I immediately shut my mouth and got quiet.  My older brother noticed I wasn't participating in the discussion so he asked me what was wrong.  I replied that I was frustrated that my sister's friend had bought her tickets to a show when we had agreed to put those days aside since she was already traveling Christmas and New Year's weekend and there was no other time for us to get together.   When I said that my sister completely lost it and started screaming about not giving a **** about the holidays and she didn't want to participate anyway and her best friends bought her the tickets and..... well you get the idea.  I responded to her that we all were working around her schedule anyway and that my husband and I had turned down things for that weekend so that we could have a family gathering.  I further told her that I understood she is grieving but questioned why her very own blood family is the group she didn't want to be with.  She wants to do things with her friends, she wants to fly to her husband's family but she wants nothing to do with us.  I asked her if she realized we were grieving too and that by her not wanting to spend any time with us - therefore keeping her kids from us - it makes the whole thing more painful.

I could go on and on but suffice it to say that it ended with me leaving upset.  I asked my husband for the car keys and he wouldn't give them to me so I said fine and left my mother's house walking.  (He had been playing with the kids in another room and hadn't heard the discussion.) He finally did come pick me up and take me home, but what astonished me most of all is this:

My brother and his wife and 32 year old stepdaughter, my younger brother and his wife, my own daughter, my mother, and my sister were all sitting there during this discussion.  Not one single person came after me when I walked out of the house. It was dark and cold and I certainly wasn't dressed to walk 10 miles, yet not one single person came after me - INCLUDING my own daughter.

No one has called me either so that tells me exactly what my standing is with my blood relatives.  I don't know why I'm surprised because I've always been a bit of the family black sheep but I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I didn't think it was that bad.

Strangely enough,  my eating and exercising have been fine since Thursday and yesterday I got my house decorated for Christmas except for the tree, which we will get next weekend.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Maybe Some Peppers Would Make Me Feel Better?

This is my Hot 100 update for the last week.

1. Keep the alcohol intake to a minimum.
2. Track my food intake and keep it at 1500 calories or less as a weekly average.
3. Lose 6 pounds in the remaining weeks of 2009.
4. Advance to my next belt in Thai Boxing, which means I have to have perfect attendance and learn the material.



1.  This was easy this week due to the fact that I've been sick.  Somehow wine and cough syrup just don't taste all that good together.
2.  Again a fail on this one.  Again because I didn't feel well.  I sort of ate when I felt hungry and was too beat to track so I only tracked haphazardly.
3.  I lost .8 lbs which is 2/10ths short of the one pound a week I need to get off 6.  But I'll take it.
4.  Received my second belt stripe which means I'm on track to advance in December.  Plus one of the sensei's pulled me aside and told me that my form was excellent - that I look like a more advanced belt.


All in all, despite the fact that I was sick (still not 100%, ugh) I had a pretty good week.  Now I just need to lather, rinse, repeat.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thankful!

Here's the first thing I'm thankful for:


That's a loss from my last weigh in - small loss of .8 (why, oh why couldn't I get the .2 to make it an even pound?!!) but a loss nonetheless.  Since I haven't been feeling well my food has been weird so I wasn't really sure what I would see.

Even though this may have been the most stressful 6 month period of my life, losing both my brother-in-law and my boss suddenly, I have too many blessings to count really. I am really grateful for the blogging community.  You have provided me with laughs, tears and inspiration.  I don't expect to blog tomorrow since my daughter will be arriving at some point today so I would like to leave this, my Thanksgiving wish, for all of you:


May your stuffing be tasty

May your turkey be plump

May your potatoes and gravy

Have nary a lump.

May your yams be delicious

And your pies take the prize,

And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!


~Author Unknown

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Hack, Hack, Cough, Cough - Oy!

Hack, hack, cough, cough.  That pretty much describes my life for the last couple of days.  Hubby is in an uproar and thinks I should go to the doc. I don't feel like it because I think she'll just say it's a virus and hang in there.  Maybe I should just call and see what she has to say instead of guessing. 

One of the things I hate about not feeling well is that I find it hard to make better choices about what I'm consuming.  For example, I don't want soup and salad, I want soup and sandwich with a side of potato chips.  And not low fat turkey on whole grain either - I want like grilled cheese.  I didn't give in to that but it's what I wanted.

The good thing about not feeling well is that I have no desire for adult type beverages.  Which means the wine thing hasn't been in play at all.

I've been noticing a theme in blogland these days around making better choices and moving away from the "old" person into a new dimension.  Maybe because most of us have food bonanzas coming up over the next few days.  Why is it so hard to say no to food?  Sometimes I actually get aggravated because it's JUST FOOD - fuel to run the engine that is my body.  Why do I ever, EVER let it be more than that to me?

Some of you expressed surprise at my mention that I had run 27 miles last week.  What you don't know is that in the past that would have been a below average week for me.  I have completed four marathons (26.2 miles for those who don't know) and many other races.  In the last year, I cut down on my running because of two things:  I needed a break, especially from racing and because of my weight.  The heavier a runner is, the slower they run and I have to admit, with every step I can feel the extra poundage.  Lately, I have been itching to get back into a regular running routine and maybe to sign up for a race again by next spring.  That means I have to get deadly serious.

Recently I read an article about hypothyroidism and weight loss that stated even once the thyroid is balanced with meds, if one goes on a fairly strict diet, they probably will not lose at the rate they have in the past and should expect that maybe their weight will never return to where it used to be.  That's pretty discouraging but the alternative is that I stay fat and unhappy because I can't run.

So, I keep asking, do I choose the food or the size 8 jeans?  I run fast when I wear size 8 jeans.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Sickness and Strategies

I have been sick all weekend.  I started not feeling all that well on Friday and by Saturday morning I had a full blown cold going - along with a cough.  I'm not surprised that I came down with this cold because I think my immune system does not do well with stress and lately, well, you know... So far so good in that it hasn't turned bronchial but boy is this cough annoying!

I exercised both weekend days, managing to do a long run/walk on Saturday with my beloved Pete.  We go slow but the time with him is priceless to me.  I can run fast on a day when I'm alone - which is what I did on Sunday. 

I also managed to get pie crusts made for the Thanksgiving pies so all they need is filling, which I'll do on Wednesday.  While making the crusts I was thinking about my Thanksgiving strategy and I think I'm going to steal an idea I saw somewhere else and add 1000 calories to my total allowed for the day.  That will give me plenty of wiggle room without overload.  I usually have one day a week where I eat a bit more liberally and don't track so Thursday it will be.  I have to admit though that, unlike other years where I focused a lot on the food, this year I haven't been.  I'm more focused on the fact that my daughter is coming home - we haven't seen her since July - and the fact that this will be our first holiday without my brother-in-law.  It makes having the family around all the more precious.

How about you?  Are you employing any specific strategies to get through the food landmines over the next week?

Friday, November 20, 2009

Random Friday Musings

I'm glad it's Friday and the last day of the work week.  It has been hard for me to be at work - I miss my boss every minute of every day. 

I didn't have any type of adult beverage yesterday.  So glad about that.

When I first started Thai Boxing, I tried several times to run in the morning then go to boxing that evening.  Around 12 hours between the workouts (with a workday in between) wasn't enough because my legs were so tired from the morning run, it made my form really bad at boxing - not good because that's how injuries happen.Yesterday, because I had overslept on Wednesday, I got up and ran for 45 minutes.  Then last night I went to a Thai Boxing class.  I can't believe how much my leg fitness and stamina has improved in 6 months!  I had no problems at all both enduring the class and maintaining good form.  I am a very happy camper about that.  This gives me a whole bunch more flexibility in my exercise schedule.

My company has its holiday party in January and our karate dojo has it's annual party in February - both are fairly dressy affairs so it's fun to get a new dress for the events.  I generally wear the same outfit to both since it's two different groups of people.  Hubby sees me in the same thing twice but I honestly think he feels that he's really getting his money's worth (even though it's my money that pays!).  I got to thinking about these events last night and decided to help my motivation levels by ordering a beautiful dress I really wanted - in the size I should be by then if I stay on plan.  Way too often I punish myself by not allowing myself to have nice things - thinking that I don't "deserve" them until I get thinner, get my act together.  This time I'm not doing that and I know seeing it hanging in my closet will keep me motivated!  Here's a picture of the dress and shoes I ordered:




 I was going to cut off the model's head because believe me, I do not look anything like her but I hope that by January 24th I will do the dress justice.

Another thing I keep thinking about is how hard it can be to stay movtivated through the holidays. I thought I had nothing in December and in the last few days we've filled up every weekend right up to Christmas with one event after another.  It's very easy to get into the mindset of starting or restarting tomorrow due to all the holidays and functions. Unless I get all "diety" and take specially prepared food everywhere, I'm faced with a myriad of cheese platters and buttery hors d'oeuvres.  But I don't really want to and sometimes just can't take special foods. Which is why I am trying diligently to control the excess, to work within the parameters in front of me. For me sometimes that means using sheer willpower not to eat everything just because it's on the tray in front of me or because it looks yummy.

Ultimately, I have to choose:  do I want the food or the Size 8 jeans?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Not Enough Change

This week's edition of the Hot 100 update:
1. Keep the alcohol intake to a minimum.
2. Track my food intake and keep it at 1500 calories or less as a weekly average.
3. Lose 6 pounds in the remaining weeks of 2009.
4. Advance to my next belt in Thai Boxing, which means I have to have perfect attendance and learn the material.

All I can say is that while I got some things back under control after these past weeks' events, I didn't get a big  enough grip.

I still had a DAILY glass of wine (or 2).  That's too much for me and my bad metabolism.
My average caloric intake for the week was 1720.  I'm sure much of that was due to the extra wine.
No idea if I lost weight because yesterday I overslept and didn't weigh myself.  Still trying to decide if I'm going to swap to a Saturday weigh in.
The one thing I did do was go to 3 Thai classes last week.  Plus I ran 27 miles.  I was pretty sore.  Hubby said I was hobbling around like I do after I've run a 20 miler when I'm marathon training.  At least I'm keeping the fat at bay by exercising.

So, I still have lots of room to improve.  Here's to a better week!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

For Me? *Blush*

Whew.


I am so tired I can’t even explain it to you, except to say I overslept by a whole lot this morning. Enough that I missed my run and my weigh in. I asked the hubster why he didn’t wake me up and he said that I’ve been under so much lately he thought I needed the sleep. I suppose he's right. But the weariness I feel really isn’t tiredness, it’s more like complete fatigue.

I hate to miss a weigh in and have been seriously considering changing to Saturday mornings because since I started blogging I committed to a photo weigh-in which is a bit more tricky during a rushed work week morning. If I can’t get it posted by the time I leave the house, I have to bring the SD card to work. I usually take a computer break on the weekends but this is only a matter of getting a photo up so I guess I’ll decide by Saturday if that’s what I’m going to do and you’ll know then.


In the meantime, Lori-Ann at Amazon Runner and Sandra at My Travels to becoming a Better Me,both gave me this nice award:



I’m not sure if I am a Superior Scribbler or not but I gratefully accept it because to me it means other bloggers are thinking of me, occasionally at least. In return I must pass it on, but first, here are the rules:

  • Each recipient must pass the award on to five other deserving bloggers.
  •  Each Superior Scribbler must link back to the author and the name of the blog from whom they received the award.
  •  Each Superior Scribbler must display the award on his or her blog, and link to this post, which explains the award.
  •  Each blogger who wins the Superior Scribbler award must visit the page noted above and add his or her name to the Mr Linky List. That way, the originator of the award will be able to keep track of everyone who receives it.
  •  And finally, each superior scribbler must post these rules on his or her blog.

Wait until you see how far this award has come.  Here are a few bloggers I consider to be Superior Scribblers - they inspire me in all different ways!


The amazing Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser who has written a blog for each day of his weight loss journey!

Fat (Free) Me who recently started wearing smaller jeans and we all know there's nothing better than that!

Shelley at A Forty-Something's Weight Loss Journey who is celelbrating her century of weight loss this week - yep she's lost 100 pounds!!

Diana at Diana's Weight Loss Journey who has been painfully raw and truthful about what she's been going through lately.

Tina at Fat Girl Dives In.  This woman refuses to let anyone beat her down and she doesn't give up.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Fog

I'm not talking about the weather kind, although we've had quite a bit of that too what with the unseasonably warm temperatures here.  It's my brain, my mental state.

While I am working hard at getting back to normal after recent events, I feel like I'm operating in a fog.  I hate this feeling and can't wait until clarity returns.  Many times already this morning I've found myself staring at something on my desk and I realize I have no idea how long I've been sitting there like that. I know it's part of how I grieve but this also makes me feel like everything is in slow motion.

Plus on top of everything else, I'm struggling with something that came up in my relationship over the weekend.  Maybe the fog is there to act like a shock absorber and get me through.

In terms of food and exercise, my weekend went well so I am quite happy with that.  Sometimes weekends are the hardest time for me so any time I've reached Monday and feel in control, that's a very good thing. 

I hope everyone else is moving along towards their various goals.  I can't believe Thanksgiving is in 10 days, can you?

.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Changes Make the World Go Round

This is my Hot 100 update for the past week.  I should be all caught up now.

Goals:

1. Keep the wine down to 2 glasses on no more than 2 days.
2. Track my food intake and keep it under 1500 calories for 6 out of 7 days per week.
3. Burn at least 2500 calories a week through exercise.
4. Advance to my next belt in Thai Boxing, which means I have to have perfect attendance and learn the material.
5. Use the weekend to plan and precook some of our weekly meals so that we are eating.



Big Fat Fail on #1-3.  Though I did manage to exercise several times in the midst of everything at the end of the week, I didn't meet my calorie burn which requires me not to miss any exercise.   I had my little niece and nephew for the whole weekend, which not only knocked out all exercise but reinforced in me a huge amount of respect for young parents who figure out how to do it all.  Since my "baby" is 30 years old, I'm totally out of practice with that :-)


Pass on #4-5.  In fact, we are still eating leftovers - which is great but honestly with the two of us sometimes I do get sick of them and want a new taste.  


So, as I mentioned yesterday I've been looking at these goals and how I've been doing and what I see is that I need to make some changes and get a bit more specific for the last 50 days.  


I should have known better than to put my calorie burn in there... though the last couple of weeks have been challenging, I've never really had a problem getting some sort of exercise in.  In fact I've told friends many, many times that I am completely capable of outeating my exercise!  So really, it's not the exercise, it's the food for me.


The weekend planning, etc. helps but honestly I find that no problem this time of year.  The weather is usually yucky so I really enjoy being home and cooking - it's actually sort of a hobby and relaxing for me.


Since my personality responds to specific challenges and goals, I decided to amend my Hot 100 (er, Hot 50?) as follows:


Goals:

1. Keep the alcohol intake to a minimum.*
2. Track my food intake and keep it at 1500 calories or less as a weekly average.**
3.  Lose 6 pounds in the remaining weeks of 2009.***
4. Advance to my next belt in Thai Boxing, which means I have to have perfect attendance and learn the material.****




* I made this change because sometimes I have 3 glasses or wine or a martini over the course of a week but it might happen on 3 different days.  Other weeks I have nothing.  If I concentrate, I will get more of the nothing weeks.


** I want to average the intake over 7 days rather than worrying if I have 1600 two days in a row.  I've done this in the past and it works if I do it right - but I have to track!


*** Ah, a specific weight loss goal.  I know it doesn't sound like much but with my thyroid issues, this will be a true challenge for me.


**** I left this one because I am a morning exerciser.  My Thai classes are at night.  I can't even begin to tell you how many times I negotiate with myself to get to class.  Especially these days when things are fairly stressful at work all day.


There it is in black and white.  I look forward to giving you a good report next week.







Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Facing the Music

The fat lady sings - loudly - and she is me:



That's a gain of 2.8 lbs. in 3 weeks (10/21 was the last time weighed in then my life blew sky high). I am not surprised at all because with my thyroid I have to be "diety" just to lose little amounts at a time.  3 weeks of not tracking and lots of wine, well there you go.  Usually something like this would upset me but it's not even a blip on my radar right now.

As I mentioned yesterday, as of today there are 50 days left in 2009.  I am reevaluating some of my Hot 100 goals and definitely am going to change at least one of them so that I can make the most out of the rest of this year.  Stay tuned.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

50 Down, 50 to Go

This week all you lucky viewers will see two Hot 100 updates from me.  This is the one I would have done last Thursday or Friday had I not been otherwise occupied.

Goals:

1. Keep the wine down to 2 glasses on no more than 2 days.
2. Track my food intake and keep it under 1500 calories for 6 out of 7 days per week.
3. Burn at least 2500 calories a week through exercise.
4. Advance to my next belt in Thai Boxing, which means I have to have perfect attendance and learn the material.
5. Use the weekend to plan and precook some of our weekly meals so that we are eating.

To sum it up simply, because of last week's life changing events, I did not concentrate on much of anything.  I'm not even sure about my food intake, it was so irregular.  The only pass I can give myself last week is on #4.  I did manage to get to my two classes and even got a stripe on my belt signifying that I am moving along. 
 
I am trying very hard to get back into the swing of things this week and am succeeding on some levels so the next report should be much better.
 
Thanks to South Beach Steve for inspiring us, even though some of us might only have a Hot 50.  Yep, as of tomorrow, 50 days left.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Back to Reality?

My boss/friend's funeral was last Thursday so I took Friday off from work to clear my head.  Honestly, I just couldn't face coming into our shared office - too empty.  I'm glad I did that because today I walked through the door and it has been a nutty zoo ever since.  I suspect it will be this way for some time to come as we try to sort through practical and emotional issues around here.

In the meantime I had the joy of having my 3 year old niece and 6 year old nephew spend the weekend with me.  My sister had the opportunity to go to away for a girls weekend (her husband is one who died in April) and, of course she doesn't trust them with just anyone.  Can I just share that it took both me and my husband to take care of them? While it is like riding a bike - get going and you do remember "how" - I had completely forgotten how much care and attention two little kids need.  Plus my husband works on Sundays so I had them all by myself yesterday. As I told my sister when I dropped them back home yesterday afternoon, it was a complete miracle that I was actually dressed and had a little makeup on!  They were the perfect distraction for me though and there's nothing like a little voice saying "I wuv you" to help heal a sore heart.

So now I'm trying to get back to reality and pay attention to caring for myself again.  I managed to get out for a very slow run this morning but even just that act has made me want to care enough to eat well today.  It's a start - or a restart - whatever.

I'm also looking forward to getting back into the community of my blogging friends and catching up with you all.

Friday, November 6, 2009

What is Normal?

Hello my blogging friends.  I think I am going to be able to get back into somewhat of a regular routine again.  As you have read in previous blogs, I have been dealing with a hard situation.  Now I can tell you the real story, what I was unable to say before.


I work as an Executive/Personal assistant to the CEO of a group of five companies. The job is varied and challenging because my boss is a mover and shaker in the community where his business are located. But, it's the "Personal" side of the equation that is sometimes difficult in to explain, so here's how I try: 

I answer his phone calls, but I also do his grocery shopping sometimes when he wants to make dinner for his wife. 

I get him to sign off on large company invoices, but I also write checks out of his personal checkbook, have access to all his personal financial information and know his personal credit card number by heart. 

We buy corporate gifts at Christmas to give to his managers, but we also buy beautiful pieces of jewelry for his wife and daughters and GPS for his sons and toys for his grandkids. Then I wrap the gifts. 

We have worked together for quite some time and he often refers to me as his "day" wife. His wife calls me her friend. I am part of their extended family. 

Over the last year, the office has been pretty lonely because last December he started not feeling well and wasn't coming in as often. Many, many days my work consisted of taking whatever he needed to address to his home and we would sit at his dining room table for several hours drinking coffee and working. All year long both his wife and I have shuttled him to doctor's appointments and encouraged him to eat better and try to exercise and do his physical therapy so his back would feel better. 

He had two surgeries on his back to try to get some pain relief but still has had a persistent pain on the right side of his body that the doctors could not diagnose. 

On October 19th my boss was diagnosed with cancer. He was told that he probably had around a year to live, even with treatment. We (both his work family and his relatives) began the process of getting him out of all his various community and other activities and preparing for the life he would have for the next year. 

Instead of that year he was told, he lived 6 days pretty well then suddenly deteriorated and was back in the hospital barely conscious. He died October 31. 

His funeral was yesterday. To say that my life has been consumed by this for the last couple of weeks is a bit of an understatement. 

Some of you know that my brother in law died in a terrible accident at the age of 39 this past April. I thought then that I might never clear my head again. 

Now I am dealing with yet another loss and this affects my job. I'm sort of feeling like I have nowhere to turn to get away from grief. 

I took the day off from work today because I just needed a day to gather myself back to life outside of all the preparations and the grieving. And, to have some quiet time to think about what the new normal will be once I go back into the office on Monday. 

My life feels a bit surreal right now.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Grief.

I'm just here to post a quick update because some of you are so faithful to check in on me.

My friend died at 2:00 on Saturday, October 31st.  He lived exactly 12 days from the time he received his diagnosis and was told he had around 18 months.  I think he knew though because he started planning to leave right away.

His calling hours and funeral will be Wednesday and Thursday so I will be back after that.

Thank you again for all your sweet comments of support.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Ice Cold 100

There are many of us in blogland who are participating in South Beach Steve's Hot 100.  Little did I know when I decided to participate that I would receive devastating news.  My friend is still holding on and each day the doctor's are saying "any minute."  I can't sleep so I got up and decided to read some blogs and do this update.

Even as I type this I am fascinated by the fact that things could go so badly in these areas. I wonder when I will be strong enough that nothing will set me off my path?  I am sure I will pay the price for letting my Hot 100 get Ice Cold.

 Goals:
1. Keep the wine down to 2 glasses on no more than 2 days.
2. Track my food intake and keep it under 1500 calories for 6 out of 7 days per week.
3. Burn at least 2500 calories a week through exercise.
4. Advance to my next belt in Thai Boxing, which means I have to have perfect attendance and learn the material.
5. Use the weekend to plan and precook some of our weekly meals so that we are eating.

1. FAIL – I have had one glass of wine each day.  Sometimes two.


2. FAIL – no tracking at all so I have no idea about my caloric intake

3. PASS!  . Burned 2530 calories.  I have to admit with all the stress beating the bag at Thai Boxing has been a good thing.

4. PASS! Got in my classes no problem.  See above.

5. FAIL - I am scattered so badly right now that planned meals are out the window.  Last night's dinner was cheese and crackers.  Real cheese, not even low fat.



So, there we are.


Thanks again for your thoughts and well wishes.  Though I have read through some blogs, I can't compose myself to comment mostly because my brain is in overdrive.  The only way I can explain is to tell you that one of my tasks yesterday was to write my friend's obituary.  His family asked me to do it and I couldn't say no.  That's where my life is right now.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A Mess

I'm a mess today.  When I got up this morning to work out I got a text message telling me that my friend who was diagnosed with cancer and should have had 18 months to live, may likely die before the week's end.  After a weekend trip away to one of his favorite cities to visit family, his body betrayed him.  He ended up in the hospital yesterday and now his organs seem to be shutting down.

I didn't work out, I forgot to weigh myself and honestly right now I'm not caring about very much other than what I can do to help that family.

I feel like I am letting all of my blogging friends down and I'm sorry. I promise you I really am a better person than this, it's just overwhelming me right now.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Running Free

I had a great run this morning at 4:45.  I'm so glad I got up to run because today I feel a calmness that I haven't felt in weeks.  Almost like I can feel my stress lowering.  I hope this feeling lasts because it really does help me in all other areas of my life.

I love running in the morning.  In the spring, I hear birds chirping and get to see the sunrise.  In the summer, the sun is up quickly and I smell honeysuckle and roses as I trot along in what is likely the coolest time of day.  In the fall, I get to see this:



I didn't actually see that this morning because it was dark but I did stop and take that picture on Sunday when I ran.  Oh, and I also got a reminder that the next season - my least favorite - is right around the corner:



I don't like winter at all but I have always loved holly (my Christmas china has a holly pattern on it) so it tickled me to see that bush along the side of the road.  I think one of the reasons why I don't like winter so much, besides driving in the snow and bad weather, is that the weather also drives me inside onto a treadmill so that even when it is the weekend and light outside I don't get to see anything pretty on my runs. But, I have to admit, there's nothing like a cold starry morning where you're running along seeing your breath and by the time you get back you have popsicles on your hat!

People ask me constantly how I can get up so early to get my run in and it's hard for me to put in words.  I say, "no traffic, calm, peaceful" but that doesn't really adequately explain it.  Maybe the pictures help.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Ow, We Need the Funk, Gotta Have that Funk

With apologies to George Clinton and Parliament.

 I need to turn this motha out, tear the roof off the sucka, and give up that funk. 

I have been in a super funk lately.  Once again, I am amazed at how life's circumstances are bogging me down.  It's like I don't have the energy for anything but to get through the day.  I am exercising, but as I've said before, exercise is really not a problem for me.  Out-eating my exercise is.  But more than out-eating my exercise, it's poor choices in general:
  • Waiting too long to eat
  • Choosing candy over fruit
  • Eating second helpings
  • Not sleeping enough
  • Eating too much too late in the day
  • Drinking a glass of wine because I think it will calm my nerves
You get the idea.  How to turn that around is baffling me - it's like I just don't have the energy to power through it the way I have in the past.  It's all I can do to get up and get to work on time.  I know this too shall pass but it sure is wearing me out in the meantime.

In catching up on my blog reading this morning I found this entry from South Beach Steve.  Do you think he recorded this just for me?

http://logmyloss.com/?p=2209

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Update Time

South Beach Steve is trying to help us focus during these last 100 days of 2009. Thanks, Steve. Here is this week's Hot 100 update.

My Goals:
1. Keep the wine down to 2 glasses on no more than 2 days.
2. Track my food intake and keep it under 1500 calories for 6 out of 7 days per week.
3. Burn at least 2500 calories a week through exercise.
4. Advance to my next belt in Thai Boxing, which means I have to have perfect attendance and learn the material.
5. Use the weekend to plan and precook some of our weekly meals so that we are eating.

1. FAIL – too many social events and though I didn’t overdo it, once again it was on more than 2 days.

2. FAIL – while I tracked my food on all 7 days, I most certainly didn’t keep it to less than 1500 calories. According to the nutrition calculator I use, based on my statistics including my exercise time, I can actually eat up to 1800 and expect to lose weight. But, because of my thyroid issues, I know I really can’t do that. This week I just blasted right by the 1500 hundred mark on 4 out of the 7 days and ate right up to the edge of the 1800.

3. PASS! Burned 2836 calories and ran the fastest I’ve run in a long time.

4. PASS! Not only did I get my classes in but in one class I worked out with a brown belt who told me they’d never seen someone as technically good as I am at “just” a gold belt. Yay for me!

5. I can’t decide whether to give myself a pass or fail for this one. I didn’t really do a bunch of cooking or planning – but I purposefully made that decision. I just didn’t feel like it and decided that meals would be really simple this week, i.e., soup and sandwich, etc. So half pass?

OY! What a week it has been. It is what it is. Basically I had a positive meltdown this week and that’s not a good thing. No excuses though – I need to get my rear in gear.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Whoomp There It Is

I haven't been around because I've spent the last 48 hours helping my friend who was given the terminal diagnosis plan his funeral. It has been a sad couple of days and will be sadder yet in the next months.

I haven't given up on my goals, but I want to. I think what keeps me chugging along is that I'm terrified if I give up completely, I'll get big as a house as I drown all my stress in food. Even though my food choices were not spectacular over the weekend I did stay in calorie range. Plus I exercised a lot - though exercise is not usually a problem for me at all. My doctor keeps telling me that stress is toxic for me and now I have proof: I gained back what I lost last week. Boy oh boy does my body like this number or what? Whoomp There It Is!




I don't know, maybe I need to get all "diety" like Fitcetera or figure out what Sean or Jack or Fat Daddy are doing - they're melting away.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Tired

Weekend summary:

Exercise = excellent. Two really good hard runs.

Food = fail. 'Nuff said.

Emotions = all over the place. Got some terrible news that a friend was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and has been given about a year to live.

I'm tired.