Thursday, January 28, 2010

What a mess.

That would be me right about now.  I haven't been feeling well all week.  It's not a full blown cold, just a slight annoying one.  But I've also been feeling very very tired  - exhausted almost.  Monday it was so bad, I locked my office door and laid down on the floor on top of my coat and took a 1 hour nap during my lunchtime.

Speaking of work, I've come to the sad conclusion that I need to begin looking for another job.  They just can't figure out what to do with me and I can't take days and days of coming in and literally having nothing to do except scan old personnel files.  Even my husband said, "Don't they realized if they don't keep you stimulated you'll leave?  You're much too bright to sit around scanning files!"  I miss my boss so much/

I've also had some sort of weird stomach thing going on alternating between nausea and actual sort of cramping.  Which has made my eating bad.  Not necessarily out of calorie range, just not very good choices.  For example, 2 cups of angel hair pasta with butter and parmesan cheese on it because I couldn't bear the thought of eating salad or meat. 

Funny enough, I've managed to keep up my exercise.  That's me, the exercise queen.  I think I'm terrified if I don't exercise, by Friday I won't be able to fit through the doorways, I'll have ballooned up so bad.  I know, it's ridiculous! 

This morning, while trying to figure out what I can eat today and hope and pray it's not going to bother me and hope I feel like eating at all, I decided to set myself free from my usual Friday weigh in.  It's either going to be falsely low because I haven't been eating enough - or falsely high because I haven't been eating enough of the right kinds of foods.

Additionally, the dressing up for my holiday party last weekend triggered some emotional stuff in me that I haven't been able to shake.  As gorgeous as all my accessories for that party were, I actually went to that party feeling fat and ugly and OLD.  I felt like every lump, bump, and line was showing all over.  I questioned why my husband would even want to go - and then realized that he wanted to go so he could see all the gorgeous, thin young women that were there.  And there were plenty, believe me.  I looked at those gorgeous "girls" and realized that my days of true beauty are over.  And, to top it all off, I couldn't even hide because people who had cameras at the party took pictures, posted them on Facebook and tagged them.  I started untagging them but it was too tiring so I quit.

I'm turning 50 in 33 days.  I am not where I thought I'd be in any part of my life:  my weight, my career, my finances, etc.  Deep down inside I'm very disappointed in that and I can't seem to shake the disappointment.  Odd, turning 30 didn't bother me, turning 40 didn't bother me, but whew this 50 thing is messing with me all the way around.  Last time I remember feeling weird about turning an age was 25 and my little girl was turning 6 and in 1st Grade.  I felt so old - and really, I was a lot "older" than other people my age who weren't even married yet and were still in college or beginning to work on their careers.  But how silly!  Hindsight is always 20-20 though, isn't it?  I wish I had not wasted the last 25 years the way I have because sitting at 50 I don't know if I'm guaranteed 25 more.

Sorry for spewing all this out here but really I've nowhere else to get it out.  My hubby would truly KNOW I've lost my mind if I tried to express all this to him.

Honestly, I can't wait for this week to be over and I hope it takes with it all this weirdness.


  1. Turning 50 IS a total bitch! Been there, done that. Almost a decade ago! GEESH! I'm sure that's part of your funk. Just remember: what's done, is done. No crying over spilt milk, because it's not spilt milk you can mop up. Look forward. Dedicate your future to YOURSELF. Stop putting other people first, and put yourself first. Oddly enough, when you do this, you'll be better for other people. ;)

    You can have several more decades of truly quality life, if you continue working on your health today. Don't waste another second! Put on your big girl panties (figuratively, of course)....brush yourself off, and promise yourself to have FUN. Because without fun, life sucks. You can be happy or sad; choice is yours, and yours alone to make. YOU CAN DO THIS. And you should. Because you DO deserve it!

  2. I was having a similar discussion with myself this morning as I was putting on some makeup I just bought yesterday. While I want to look nice, there is such a thing as trying too hard and I have to accept the fact that I'm staring down 50, as well. I just have to let go of "how I look" and concentrate on how I feel, what I can do, how much healthier I am now than I was at, say, 35. I'm going to try to concentrate on things that last and really matter. My looks just aint it. And hell, 50 is just a number. Right? Right?

  3. So sorry you're feeling blue.
    40 was my hard birthday. I guess we all have to have one. 50 was terrific. I celebrate the fact that I know things. I know many things I did not know when I was 40, or 30 or however old. I celebrate that I still learn things.
    I have more wrinkles than 20-somethings but I celebrate them. I earned them. I learned from them! (although my son was the cause of the permanant frown wrinkle I have between my eyebrows! lol!)
    20-somethings may have bodies to be admired but can they hold an interesting conversation over dinner? Have they actually been anywhere interesting? Have they ever had a fantastic job they loved?
    Can they kick their toenail polish off on a punching bag?
    I think not!

    I hope you feel better soon.


  4. You really are doing great; I think sometimes it's just hard to see. I don't have any sage advice so I'll just offer you a hug, Helen.

  5. Hugs Helen. I'm sorry you are not feeling well this week.

    I don't have any advice because I feel the same way you do about turning 50, only I've still got a year to go but I started this about 3 years ago. My 40th was nothing but I missed it because that is when my Mom passed(3 days after). But my 50th is what I'm not looking forward do. I'm not ready to be older. I know exactly what you mean about the "girls". I've posted about it before, I can't compare and therefore I am trying really hard not to. I must give myself credit as I am and so are you, a fantastic person with years of experience, grace and knowledge. We are beautiful! We have our health.
    Chin up, you are wonderful and never forget that! Your husband loves you, and I guarantee that even if he "looks" at those girls it means nothing, why would a man want that drama again, when he has exactly what he wants right there beside him. Likely, the comparison is only on your side. I've had this talk with Ron and he helped me understand that it was my perception and not reality that was upsetting me. It's still real to me, but I am trying to let it go and just enjoy my life.
    I hope I didn't spew off too much.

  6. Awww hugs Helen. Sorry your are feeling crappy and that's probably got a lot to do with you feeling old. My husband has been struggling with the age thing lately. We have to really try focus on mentally and physically staying young by having fun and being healthy. Sounds like you are doing all those things. Spring is on the way (eventually!) and you are going to feel a million times better!

  7. Your days of true beauty are NOT over.
    'Nuff said.

  8. Well, we not only have our nail polish colors in common but we also have terribly low self-esteem issues. What a surprise.

    So in my kindest, most caring voice...STOP IT!

    You are NOT old or fat or lumpy. And you know your husband didn't want to go to the party to see the pretty girls, he wanted to show off his pretty wife. :)

    We (you and me especially) are our harshest critics. I saw the pretty dress with your pretty back. You did not look fat at all. Your hair was beautiful. You never show us your face, but I'm sure it's beautiful too. :)

    So, this is what I think...I think you're a beautiful woman, smart, witty, funny. I think your husband thinks this same thing. You can't accept that he believes this because you don't believe it yourself. How do I know this? Because we're two peas in a pod, you and I.

    I wish I could grant you good self-esteem. I wish I had it myself. It's a continual struggle, but it's something we both need to work on. You're okay, and I am too. ;)

    Oh - and the 50 thing. Big f'ing deal. We're getting older, true, and maybe not as cute and firm and perky as we were in our 20's. But we have street smarts. Honestly, you couldn't pay me to go back to my 20's. I was an idiot. Sometimes I still am, but at least I recognize it quickly now.

    Hang in there Helen! This too shall pass.

  9. Aww, Helen, I thought you looked beautiful in the pictures you posted the other day...and I'm not just saying that. I hope you can come out of this funk that turning fifty has gotten you into...sending many good thoughts your way!

  10. I know very very few women who are 49 who can run for 55 straight minutes....OR...who look so darn nice in a fancy party dress. You are gorgeous......truly...and every day you strive to take care of your body. It shows. If I did not know you were 49 and had to guess an age when I saw you in the party dress pics the other day, I would have said mid 30s.....esp with that nice fine back and those lovely legs. You're doing a great job...and will greet 50 with beauty and grace...and sail through the next 60 years of your life in style. :)

  11. Helen, I am back. I was just out preparing dinner an was thinking about you and your post and had to run back in here. I still stand firmly by everything I said above..but realized that I did not validate your feelings. You are feeling insecure right now. And that is OK...and NORMAL....and a cycle that I think we all go through from time to time. I have struggled with insecurity from a very young am quite familiar with how you are feeling right now. Lately...when I start to get into that mode.....I try to validate my own feelings and then ask myself "Ok, so...what are you going to do about it? Clearly...these issues are bugging you and making you feel is the solution?" I turn it into a challenge for myself.

    So, here are my questions for you. You feel this way and don't like it...what are you going to do about it? What is a realistic way to remedy how you are feeling? Is it just an attidude you need to make an action plan of some kind?

  12. Your husband went with you to the party because he wanted TO SHOW OFF his goregous wife!

    I wish I could say something that would make you feel better! All I know is that I am glad I've "met" you and will continue to follow your journey no matter where it takes you.

    I thought you looked beautiful last week for the party!! You just have to see it in yourself.

  13. Helen, I thought you looked fabulous, and I bet your husband did, too. I think you are being way too hard on yourself. However, I understand that sometimes we just feel blue. I hope you feel better soon, both physically and emotionally, because you are sure worth it!!!

  14. HI helen,
    I am 35 years old, but last year my husband took me to the rodeo.
    I was soooo fat. I felt old and frumpy. My husband is a handsome man. these girls would walk by in their mini skirts, take one look at me and then swing their butts in my hubby's face. He was oblivious. I thank God my husband is oblivious. Most men are, they see us as we were. I saw your picture, and I have seen alot of fifty year olds...and you look damn good for fifty.
    Hell, you would have stomped the crap out of me in a beauty contest last year, that's for sure.
    But life isn't a beauty contest. You have already won your husband's heart.
    While those ladies are young and vibrant now, in thirty years they will be standing where you are, life is a big cycle.
    Hopefully along with what you've created with working out and good eating, you great fabulous fifty year old body...they will hold within their grasp the beauty of soul that you hold.
    Wisdom, graciousness, loyalty and the heart of a man who loves them not for their perky breasts, but for their generous heart.
    We will all grow old and die. True beauty lies within.

  15. My friend,

    What you are doing everyday is turning back the clock. Many people let 50 come and go and they're still lost and miserable. You my friend are consistently proactive with your pursuit, and that consistency is making you younger everyday.
    The fountain of youth is real and it's inside you. How wonderful is that? It's true my friend, believe it.

    My best always

  16. I will be 52 on Feb 8th and I share some of your feelings. One of my "regrets" in life is that I didn't deal with this weight issue when I was younger and could have enjoyed it more.

    Sometimes, I get to feeling funky. In other ways, I am better, stronger than when I was 20. So are you!

    Hope this internal weather clears very soon and the sun shines once again in your world!