In fact, more of my life has been spent at or near a good healthy weight than not. I am NOT better now than I was in my 30s or even part of my 40s. For me this pretty much results in a constant dialogue in my head that goes something like this:
"You are so stupid, how could you let yourself get like this?"
"Oh look, she's wearing the same dress she wore to the party a couple of years ago, of course YOURS doesn't fit because you're a fatty fatty two by four."
"What the hell is the matter with you? There are literally thousands of people starving in this world yet you feel the need to stuff your pie hole with one more thing."
"Ugh, look at those rolls, that flab, it's disgusting."
"You know why no one pays any attention to you? Because you're a dumpy, chubby middle aged woman. Your days of true beauty are over."
And that's just some of it. I imagine if I really wrote down my stream of consciousness in regards to food and my body I'd give a good psychologist a run for their money.
I know I need to stop it but haven't been able to figure out how. The simple fact is, I do not, will not and cannot learn to love myself, my body where it is right now. The need for me to get back to healthy weight is huge in terms of my mental well being and yet - I stumble along.
My weight loss is so painfully slow compared to what it used to be. 18 years ago after I quit smoking I gained 55 lbs. over the course of 3 years. In 1995 I joined Weight Watchers (this was before the points system) and lost 60 lbs. in 20 weeks. I maintained that weight loss until 2005 when I mysteriously started gaining weight while training for a half marathon! By the time I was diagnosed as hypothyroid I had gained 25 lbs. and that wasn't even the end. It took until 2007 to get my thyroid regulated medically and by then I'd packed on another 20. As of May of this year, I will have been trying for THREE YEARS to lose the 45 lbs. that I put on when my thyroid malfunctioned. At one point, in 2008, I actually got within 15 lbs. of my goal and then my thyroid went off again and I literally gained 10 lbs. in one month. Then from sheer exhaustion,discouragement and whatever else, I gave up and gained 20 more. So three years later I am only around 15 lbs. lighter than my original starting weight in 2007. I don't care what anyone says, that's just wrong.
In any case, quit or not, this is what I know for sure:
- I know exactly what it's like to be healthy, thin, in shape, beautiful - which makes me different from a lot of you. (And also why I haven't posted photos of myself.)
- I have to figure out how to STOP beating myself to a pulp over this.
45 minutes Muay Thai Boxing
1463 calories; 162g carbs; 62g fat; 80g protein
9 glasses water