Wednesday, April 14, 2010

No Theme Music

I don't really have a threaded, themed post today - just want to chat. A couple of you emailed me privately and asked some questions so I'm going to answer those first.

Why did you say '4 months' instead of 3 months or 6 months or 1 month as a timeframe to buckle down? The answer is right in the post if you picked up on something else I said.  Summer.  I'm a summer girl.  I feel and do best in the summer.  Four months from today would be August 14th.  Almost the end of summer.  What if I buckle down for the summer?  Hmmmmm...

Why haven't you told anyone you know that you blog?  Do you have fears other than not feeling free?
Well, yes I do as a matter of fact.  It's hard for me to explain this and I'm sure even as I try, it will not come out right.  My weight is a big issue between me and my husband.  You see, I'm married to the high school football hero, "most popular" "best all around".  I think he had an expectation that he would have arm candy for a wife. And he did have some very pretty girlfriends, no doubt about it.   But not just fluffy arm candy - athletic, beautiful arm candy, with proportioned bodies.  Cross Halle Berry with Gina Carano and the man would die a happy death.  Anywhoozle, I started the blog to be accountable and to acknowledge my weight instead of ignoring it.  If he was reading, for sure, I would not be posting it. Here's why.  In April of 2007 I ran a Quarter Marathon Race and won the Athena Division.  Athena Division is for any woman who weighs more than 150 lbs.  At the time I was at the lowest I've been since my thyroid diagnosis - around 158.  I was SO PROUD of winning that division because, as it happened, I was also the oldest person who ran in that division and I beat several 20ish and 30ish people.  I struggled with whether or not to tell him - because we don't discuss my weight.  Since I knew he wouldn't know what Athena was and I'd have to explain, I hesitated.  But my 20ish year old friend who I ran with (and beat in that division) said, "You need to celebrate. The hell with him and his hangups!"  So, I told him.  His reponse?  "What do you mean you weigh more than 150 lbs.?"  I finally asked him to stop telling people about it because this is what he would say "Helen won a division in the Quarter Marathon, even though she weighs more than 150 pounds." 

I don't want to make it sound like Mr. Helen is a bad guy, because he's not.  And, the issue has been a lot better since I got my thyroid diagnosis.  (He realized I wasn't sneak eating or just stuffing my face and not giving a damn.) So the best course for us has been to just not discuss it.  Keeps things calm.  I think any one of you in a relationship knows that you've got to pick your battles and this is not one I can fights right now.

So for now, that's one of the reasons I don't purposefully tell anyone.  Who knows, maybe there is someone I know out there reading but they just haven't commented yet.   Or maybe if I told they'd be like Miz' family and not even read.  At this time, this feels right for me - I need accountability and I need to be 100% honest, which I'm able to do with all of you. I love my bloggy peeps for that!

I had a fabulous run this morning - just glorious.  I managed 5 miles in 53 minutes which is about as fast as I've run lately.

Last night at Thai Boxing, the room got so hot we steamed up the mirrors and I felt slightly nauseous.  Which means I was definitely working out hard.  It was a good workout that turned great.  At the end of class, the Sensei called me forward and invited me to test on April 30th for my purple belt!  There are four areas students are graded on and I got 3 "excellents" and 1 "good".  Aarrrgghhh!  I want all excellents!  Then he gave me a star for perfect attendance.  I felt like a fairy princess who can kick ass by the time we left.

Eating has been good all week.  Of course, I feel so much better and then I wonder how many times it will take me to get it through my thick head that I DO feel better when I eat better?

Not that life has been stress free.  I'm just victorious because I haven't allowed any seepage!  Up until Saturday Mr. Helen has been driving the very first car we bought after we got married.  Yes, folks, an almost 18 year old Dodge Shadow.  My daughter and I had started calling it the blue bomber in the past few years and I flat out started refusing to drive the dumb thing a couple years ago.  Literally, the driver's side seat was propped up with a stick because the levers had broken.  I may be married to the one man on earth who doesn't care about cars.  We were out running errands Saturday, using that car because we needed to haul a computer desk, and the brakes went.  We were 25 miles from home.  He got us there and we found out Monday that the repair would be around $1200 - more than the car is worth.  So, we've been trying to share a car this week while he s-l-o-w-l-y looks at the pickup he has been wanting.  We both work days and in opposite directions from our house.  It has been challenging.  Oy.

18 comments:

  1. I guess I was extremely fortunate. Even at my highest weight, 257, my ex never said a negative word to me about it. I don't know how I would have handled it if he had.

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  2. I am with Roxie - my husband met me at 137 pounds, and now at 165, he still thinks I look great.

    And I think its okay to not tell anyone close about your blog - it's about being honest and I am glad you are able to share your ups and downs with us!

    And it's funny - my Mom and MIL are my biggest blog friends, in fact, when my Mom comes over for dinner, she usually goes through the blog and "orders" what she wants for dinner! And one time Tony and I slept in and I got an email asking if I was okay because I hadn't blogged yet!

    HUGS!

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  3. Oh we don't want to talk about what my ex has said to me about my weight, but Mr. Sandra - he met me when I was at my heaviest. When we first moved in together, I wanted a scale and while at the store, he put it on the ground and got on it, then told me to. No freakin way! He got upset with me because I wouldn't let him know how much I weighed. Now since I've lost close to 50lbs since then, I have told him. So each time I it a milestone (onderland, 90s, 80's), I have been telling him and he shares my enthusiasum.

    But I would never tell anyone in the past. I think because he fell in love with me at my largest, and I am currently the smallest he has ever seen me, I'm fine with it (more or less).

    I used to own a Dodge Shadow - blue too. The paint peeled off and I had to have it repainted several times until the dealer didn't want to see me anymore. Eventually I gave it to one of my kids, and they sold it.

    And congrats on your offer for the next belt. That's quite an accomplishment.

    Sheesh - I seem to be writing novel length responses to your posts :)
    Have a great day Helen!

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  4. Congrats on winning that division! That is a great accomplishment!

    I totally get why you don't share your blog with family and stuff. We have to do what feels comfortable for us and this is obviously working for you!

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  5. I get the blog privacy too. I wouldn't be near as open if my daily peeps were reading! Definitely wouldn't confess my weight.

    My husband also doesn't ever comment on my weight. Many years ago, I actually asked him to give me an ultimatum about losing weight...don't ask me why, I was desperate. I didn't want him to threaten to leave or anything, but that was so out of the realm of possibility I didn't even think of it. What he said to me was, "Leslie, if you want to lose weight, you have to do it for yourself. Not for me." Then I asked him if he'd still love me if I weighed 300 pounds and he said, "I hope I don't have to find out!" That still cracks me up today! By the way, your husband DID get the trophy wife with you - you're gorgeous, smart, fit and real.

    Sorry for my usual going on and on!

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  6. Hi Helen,
    I'm at work so I have to make this quick! I just read the comment you left on my blog and wanted to say THANK YOU for saying exactly what I needed to hear and acknowledge. I really can't tell you how exactly you 'hit the nail on the head' and gave me great advice. I think I've been really struggling with coming up against my limitations at the moment and I really need to acknowledge that. I just want you to know how much I appreciated you taking the time to leave those comments. Have a great day :)

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  7. My dead husband was not happy with my weight but he loved me regardless. We put up with them!? When will they realize the reason we gain weight is their fault? ;-)

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  8. I am so sorry that your weight is an issue between you and your hubby. That just stinks!

    Congrats on winning that race, how awesome it that!

    My hubby has always been my biggest supporter and in all of our 31 years of marriage he has never been negative about my ups and downs with the weight issue. He does not fully understand it since he does not have the same issues but he tries.

    I think if I had a secret blog, I would be a lot more open about what I am thinking and my struggles. If I had it to do over I wouldn't tell my family about it. Too late for that now so I carry on!

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  9. You know what? I like you! I like that you are honest and open about that which you believe to be best! Also, sounds like you are doing very well! Keep the good work up!

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  10. This very morning on our radio, they had a survey that stated, "80% of men do not know their wive's weights."

    My hubby doesn't know mine. :)

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  11. The Mr. knows my weight and has known it every pound of the way. Gain or lose, he hasn't cared either way. Honestly, I wish I could get more reaction from him as I slim down but, if anything, he seems to just get more worried about me changing NOW -- with weight loss -- MUCH more than he ever did with weight gain!

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  12. Hi! I just found your blog and I'm liking your honest approach. I also decided that 50 was a good age to take charge of myself physically. Weight is not really the issue for me, but health (I have severe asthma) and just being in shape are/were. I am now training for my first half-marathon in May :)

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  13. I never told my husband how much I weighed until a couple of months ago...and then he could not believe it. And that I still weigh so much - not like it's a bad thing, but he thinks I look good for being in the 150's. Husbands are strange.

    Oh, and I've never given him my blog address, but my kids read it (when they remember to). Most of the people I interact with around town, however, do not know about it, and that's the way I like it!

    I'm so impressed that you won your division - congratulations!!!

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  14. Helen, You are amazing. Uh-mazing. It's hard when weight is an issue. Hubbend is mum on the way up and a cheerleader on the way down.

    You are an iron woman. So cool that you one that division. I would be in that category NoMatterWhat. The BMI for my height at 150 is 20.8. I don't want to have to work that hard. 155 looks like a gaunt skeleton on me.

    Good luck getting another car. I hope he picks on soon!

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  15. You are an amazing woman. You are not a number. I bet even if the number was not an issue with Mr Helen, you would still work your arse off! In the end, you are a healthier woman because of it. And you share thai boxing with him which is so cool.
    Funny Mr Helen still drives the same car! My Dh has to get another car every 6 months! Men! Who can figure them out?

    xoxo

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  16. Wow, winning your division is quite the accomplishment, especially considering the range of ages! Very impressive.

    Weighty-ness is sort of a complicated affair between my wife and me. She isn't happy about her weight, and mentions it fairly often. I'm supportive of her, and just wish that she weren't so down on herself. When I lose weight, it seems to intensify her own insecurities, and she is both proud and jealous of me. She, too, has thyroid issues.

    There was one time when she was trying to lose weight, and she told me that she wanted me to point out when she was straying from her diet. I asked if she was sure, because frankly it didn't sound like such a great idea, but yes, that's what she wanted. I can't believe I fell for it, but I did as she asked, and (predictably) got my head bitten off. We sort of agreed that arrangement wasn't going to work.

    It does make me wonder, though. Your perception is your world. My perception is that I'm supportive of my wife, and I hope she understands that I'm crazy about her regardless of the number on the scale. Perhaps her perception of me as it relates to her weight is completely different. Hmmmm.

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  17. my husband looked me dead in the eye at my highest weight and said "I can't see past your fat."
    It was an issue...as I lost weight and he treated me better...it pissed me off. But it is what it is.
    That being said...he thinks 162 is a perfectly fine weight.
    He would be just fine if I stopped right here.
    Then again...i lowered the bar and showed him how bad it COULD get...so he'd better watch it..lol.
    I was 138 when I met him..he was a green beret..and was used to hot chicks with tight bods as well...men can be @sses sometimes. nuff said.

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  18. The stories of unsupportive husbands are really upsetting to me. You are all beautiful women worthy of total love and acceptance, no matter what they might say.

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