Monday, June 28, 2010

Weekend Warrior: It's A Long Story

I can't believe it's Monday already!  Why do the weekends go by so absolutely fast and the work week can seem interminable? 

I had a super busy weekend full of fun, friends, family and food. While I can never have too much of the first three, the food was way too much and by last night I felt it.

We started off Friday evening, immediately after work, by going to watch our dojo owners and mentors test for their 6th Degree Black Belts!  A 10th Degree had flown in especially to do their testing.  These folks have been in the martial arts for around 30 years and let me just say, even if you don't really understand what you're watching, you'd know you were watching something really precise and beautiful.  It was a sight to behold. 

We left the dojo and went straight to our best friend's home for an evening of hors d'oeuvres and, of course, cocktails.  I'm sure I did ok (but not great as I would have preferred) with both. We stayed on their deck until well after midnight!  That's not something we do often at all.  By the time we got home and washed the bug spray off it was almost 1 AM before we hit the sack.  I had made plans weeks ago to meet up with a friend for a late breakfast on Saturday morning at 10 so I immediately knew that my planned 3 mile recovery run wasn't going to happen.  I need my sleep so I went down and set the alarm for 8:30.  I actually slept until the alarm went off! 

I met up with my girlfriend and we had a great breakfast at my favorite place - When Pigs Fly.  Isn't that a cute name?  I love this place because it's not a 'greasy spoon' at all -  they always have healthy options.  My plan was to eat a good breakfast and then I wouldn't eat again until dinner.

After breakfast, which lasted until a bit after noon, I went into breakneck mode to get my errands done and my house cleaned before we took off to go and celebrate 2 birthdays in my family.  It took every bit of the 5 hours I had to accomplish everything.

My mother cooked the birthday meal that we ate although by our family tradition the birthday person gets to choose the menu.  Since we were combining my sister and brother's birthday's, he picked the meal and she picked the cake.  We are all pretty health conscious so when we sat down to eat, I took one look at the meal and said, "Holy Carbohydrates!"  and everyone started laughing.  This is what was on the table:  fried chicken, a green salad, coleslaw, potato salad, cheesy polenta, homemade rolls, and corn on the cob.  Did that stop me from having a spoonful of each thing though?  Unfortunately no.  And, I topped it all off with my mom's famous Fresh Coconut Cake.  I double cross pinky swear to you, I woke up Sunday morning with a Carb Hangover.

Sunday, I finally got in the run I had wanted to do on Saturday and boy did I need it.  Simply to burn off some of the carb sugars - lol!  Then I returned to preparing for this week by grocery shopping and doing some menu planning.   Mr. Helen was off and wanted to get out of the heat and humidity and watch a movie during the afternoon.  That also meant he wanted popcorn.  So I pulled out the Whirley Pop and cooked us up a batch.  Before owning this popcorn maker I always did the microwave thing.  Since I got it as a Christmas gift a couple years ago, I don't believe I'll ever use anything else!   We watched Invictus - good movie if you haven't seen it.

After the movie we went outside to enjoy our patio.



We ended up sitting out there the rest of the afternoon into the evening and eventually ate our dinner out there. It was a nice healthy low carb dinner - lol!  Grilled chicken, salad, half a baked sweet potato.  We didn't come inside until around 8 - because my FIL called which sort of interrupted the flow of the evening and besides, I needed to start thinking about bedtime.

That's when I got attacked by a Chunky Monkey.  Well, not "a" chunky monkey but by a container of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey.  Here's the thing.  If I had just taken a portion out and eaten it, it all would have been OK - I even would have been within my calorie budge for the day.  But I didn't. I opened the container (it's not even a pint anymore, did you know that?) and began to eat.  And I didn't stop until the whole container was gone.   I wasn't even mad or disgusted with myself - like I should have been.  I simply ate it almost mechanically until it was finished, then got up and went to bed. 

Two hours later, I woke up with the WORST stomach ache - which I obviously deserved.  I didn't sleep at all last night due to the tossing, turning, and at one point, consideration of if I could make myself be sick just so I'd feel better - which I ultimately didn't do because I was too damn sleepy and sluggish from the ice cream to get out of bed.

This morning when I got up and went out for my run, I spent a lot of time thinking about the whole weekend.  I'm not going to excuse it, but I do believe I ate from stress. I haven't mentioned it too much but Mr. Helen is having a really, really, really hard time over his sister's death.  Specifically this weekend he was struggling with her last moments of life.  And he kept wanting to talk about it.  But he didn't want me to say anything back or try to comfort him.  He just kept wanting to talk about it.  On top of that, my FIL has become VERY needy himself.  My MIL has advanced Alzheimer's and he has no one to talk to.  So he spends his evenings calling his kids.  I know it's selfish of me, but sometimes I want my husband to be able to have an evening with me, talking and whatever, without an interrupting phone call (that usually lasts anywhere from 30-60 minutes).  All of this combined, really, really, really stressed me out.  To the point where I ended up doing what I have always done... obliterate it with food.  Eat until you get that "ahhhh" feeling in your brain, even if it means you have a stomach ache later.

Obviously today I am licking my wounds and trying not to beat, beat, beat myself for doing what I've always done.  I don't WANT to do this sort of thing anymore because I DON'T WANT to get what I've always gotten, which is NOT TO GOAL!

Yes, I was a warrior and managed to fight through the weekend, but ultimately not only did I lose the battle, I lost the war because I didn't honor my own good intentions of choosing life versus food. 

I guess I've still got a loooooong way to go.

15 comments:

  1. My dear Helen, I am so sorry that you and your family are experiencing such loss. But you haven't lost the war or even the battle - you are analyzing what didn't go exactly as planned and adjusting for the next time. Without excessive blame or negative self-talk. I think you are doing great, given these set of circumstances you've been handed.

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  2. Oh no....
    You've just made me realize that I, too, have a long way to go. I am trying to coast to my goal. UGH...with as many cheats a long the way as possible! Corletta...get it together! Thanks for the honest post. I needed it :)

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  3. Helen, I think we are twins separated at birth!I'm going to disagree with you thinking you have lost the war. Not true. You lost a battle but the war goes on and you will get back in and fight.
    It's funny you indulged on Chunky Monky! I indulged on Happy Tracks this weekend! Same story, just kept eating till the whole pint was gone! Didn't feel any guilt! Got a tummy ache! Lesson learned! (Happy Tracks is made by Blue Bell in Texas. It's vanilla ice cream with fudgy swirls and peanut butter cups. OMG! )
    I'm sorry to hear about the stress all this sadness is causing. I know it's hard to share your hubby now but his dad really needs a sounding board. My MIL also has Alzheimers and we went through that and continue to face some hard things. Hang on. It seems like you and Mr Helen have a good base with each other. Hold on to that and you will get through this.

    xoxo

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  4. Chin up you are doing great. Sorry to hear about your trials. The race is not over til you give up so don't give up!smile.

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  5. It sounds to me like you just want to be able to take care of yourself. You want to have somebody to talk to and Mr. H has been unavailable. I can relate with Hubbend on the phone to his mother everyother day and absorbed in his own world of grief. It's hard.

    You just needed to validate yourself. I do that too, using food when I've ignored myself too too long. I'm glad you're not beating yourself up. Because it WAS a lot to deal with. It's a lifelong work to sort it out. You're doing great.

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  6. Hugs. BIG HUGS. You are not failing, you are not losing a battle. This isn't a battle...your body isn't something to hate and fight. Be gentle with yourself understand that while you always do your best, your best changes from time to time, depending on what's going on. You are making great progress, even if it feels like you're not. Trust yourself.

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  7. Smart to recognize things right away...when I slip I let it go for day to weeks.

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  8. Sounds like you held up well considering the circumstances. And as Roxie noted, it's so good to not get into negative self talk and self flagellation. You did the best you could. I'm glad that there were some good relaxed times in the midst of the turmoil. Sounds like the Mister's family is really hurting, understandable. Hang in - you don't sound selfish at all. You sound realistic.

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  9. You have so much going on that you need to cut yourself some slack, my friend. It is so difficult to deal with the aftermath of a loved one dying, and add to that your FIL, MIL and their needs? Shoot, if a less than a pint of ice cream was the result of all that, well, I'd say you did good!

    The other carb-loaded meal doesn't count because it was a celebration, and god knows you needed that! I'm sure that meal was full of laughter, and if it came along with a few excess carbs, oh well.

    These are tough times and both you and your husband are having to figure out how to deal as you go. A day at a time...grow that necklace. And claim your victories - you ran on Sunday...that's excellent!

    Oh, and your backyard looks so peaceful - I can see why you enjoy sitting out there!

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  10. The pation looks great, nice and comforting. Ben and Jerry's is evil. I've been in a slump, I am recognizing what I am doing, I just can't seem to get out of it. I say the right things, I am continuing to encourage others but I'm just in this slump. Stay positive!

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  11. So, that's what it looks like to beat oneself up? I do it all the time, but didn't realize it until I read yours. I got sad about "not only did I lose the battle, I lost the war." You are my hero, such inspiration (I swear we would have so much fun together at Pigs Fly), so you slipped up this weekend (I too spent some time with Ben and Jerry, my hubber doesn't know that they are single serve containers :) ) It's ok, you are running and doing great, I understand the part about feeling down about eating out of stress, but, you didn't lose the battle, you just, found yourself in an ambush.

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  12. I can understand this post on so many levels - the emotions of a loved one passing, the eating and not feeling bad about it, just wanting to be with your spouse without having to share, even though others need your spouse too.

    Unfortunately life's battles don't stop, even though it sure would be easier for us to succeed with our weight loss and fitness efforts if they did.

    Keep you chin up Helen.

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  13. Mama always said there would be days like these. Perhaps one day I'll get to enjoy the true art that is martial arts. I'm sure it was a grand spectacle to watch the testing.

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  14. bigbigbig hugs from texas.

    and Im going to beg to differ with you as well :)
    this is all one longassmarathon (technical term) and the bumps in the road teach us MORE in my opinion that the smooth sailing.

    let me know if I can help.

    Miz

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