Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Getting Some Things Off My Chest & Other Random Thoughts

Can I just share something with you all?  I really appreciate that you cared enough to respond to my posts over the past couple of days, I do.  I love the fact that I have people who follow my blog and really do mean well and want to cheer me up.  I also know that when I leave the blog open to comments, I will get all sorts of responses.  Perhaps after I say this, I won't have so many followers, but some of the comments I got both here and on Facebook - including one from my own sister - struck a sour note with me. 

Saying "find the silver lining in the rainbow" doesn't help me. Nor does, "well you should be glad you GOT a vacation," " be glad your husband isn't dead," "be glad you don't have cancer," etc.

In fact, those type of comments sort of piss me off.  I don't need a reminder that I'm lucky to have been able to try to have a vacation or that there are people who are lots worse off than me. It makes me think that the person who is responding to me thinks I'm an idiot.  An uncompassionate person who doesn't understand that people have death, disease and destruction in their life.  Guess what?  I know that.  I acknowledge that. I have experienced quite a bit of that myself over the last 18 months.

But what I am going through  - most of which I choose not to share on this blog but that includes the two disastrous non-vacations we had this year - that's MY situation and I'm allowed to feel however I want to about it.  Even if you think it's petty and silly.

Regarding our vacation, there WAS NO SILVER LINING. It WAS NOT RESTFUL OR RELAXING. It got cut short by 3 days. We lost around $750. We did not enjoy each other's company or the fact that we were not home because the stress built every day.  It was EXTREMELY STRESSFUL, evidenced by the fact that even my husband who NEVER REACTS TO ANYTHING, reactedIT SUCKED PEOPLE, IT SUCKED.  And that's just the facts. 

Now, this doesn't mean that we won't get over it and that maybe even one day we'll laugh about most of what is going on in our lives right now including the bad vacation.  In fact, Janell's comment on yesterday's post actually did make me laugh out loud.  Because I know for a fact that one day we will look at that picture, say "Wow. Worst. Vacation. Ever." and then laugh. But right now, it stings.  Probably because we put too much hope in it, but still, it stings. 

There will be other vacations and we've had some wonderful ones.  Been blessed many times with great vacations as a matter of fact.  Which is why I know for sure we'll get over it - and over ourselves in a few days.

And now you've learned something about me that you might not have known:  I can be very direct about how I feel.

Okay, everybody breathe. 

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In other news, I have to thank Shelley for posting a photo of the zucchini spaghetti she has been eating.  Which I found catching up on my blog reading.  Can I just say, oh my goodness, it is so good.  I have been sick and tired of salads lately and all this week I've been bringing a bowl of that to work with me as my veggie.  Yummo!  Thanks Shelley (and Biz too since it was her idea initially)!

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I saw this on the news this morning:  Even people with a strong genetic predisposition to obesity can offset their risk of being overweight by being physically active, according to a study published Tuesday in the journal PLoS Medicine.

It always makes me thoughtful when I hear things like that because I know for a fact that I can out-eat my exercise.  Done it many times... including for the last couple of years.  A 5'6" woman who runs 30 miles a week and participates in Muay Thai Boxing doesn't weigh 180 because she's not exercising enough.  The plain fact is that food factors in.  I suppose it's actually my biggest factor, especially with the thyroid issue.  I have yet to figure out what calories to take in so to speak.  And believe me when I say I've tried all sorts of variations from 1000-2000 calories a day.  Nothing seems to have been able to break whatever is going on in my body.

So while I say hurray for anyone who manages to fit in exercise, exercise alone is not the answer.  It really is a whole life thing not just one thing.

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This morning while running speed intervals on my treadmill I watched Huge.  Huge is a show that has been on ABC Family over the summer and is about a Fat Camp for teens.  At first I wasn't even sure if I liked it, but there was something about it that kept me watching.  Maybe because it ended up being so much than just a show about a fat camp - it had teen angst, summer love and brought back memories of my own summers at camp. 

The show I watched today was the season finale.  There was a scene that really struck me.  One of the campers found out in a previous episode where the key to kitchen pantry was hidden.  She used that knowledge to sneak herself and another girl in there and they grabbed a tray of brownies and started eating them then rearranging the leftovers on the tray so it wouldn't be noticeable that some had been taken.  One of the girls was just shoving the brownies down her throat.  The other was chewing then spitting it out into a napkin.  When asked why she said it was because then she could have the taste without the calories.  Then she said, "That's what I miss about being a kid:  being able to eat a brownie and not feeling guilty about it."

My immediate thought was my goodness, isn't that what we all want?  Peace with food.  Being able to eat and not feel guilty about it, no matter what the food is that we're eating.

17 comments:

  1. So true about out-eating the exercise - back in the day when I did Jazzercise (what? it was 1992!) and then stopped for breakfast tacos after every class, I never lost a pound...and yet, never made the connection. In fact, I think I blamed Jazzercise for not doing enough, lol! Ah well. Live and learn, right?

    Glad you are enjoying the zucchini pasta - dang, that stuff is good! I was going to have sliced zucchini tonight but may just have to do pasta again!

    And I appreciate your honesty about the comments and vacation. A lot of bloggers go the "rainbows and kittens" route when talking about their lives so it's refreshing to see this. As long as it's not directed at me. ;) Yes I did go back and reread my comments (but I'm not paranoid, no siree!). LOL - hope you have a good day, my friend.

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  2. Peace with food. Hell, yes. I have to admit that pre-procedure today, milkshakes are allowable - they are even on the LIST of APPROVED FOODS! I am going to have a milkshake for lunch, without one shred of guilt. Unfortunately, it takes doctor's orders for that to happen!

    I just went back and re-read my comment to your post yesterday and it looks like I was smart enough to acknowledge your feelings and disappointments without offering platitudes. Which I am wont to do, unfortunately. I think most of things are said when people don't know what to say. We want you to feel better and say dumb-ass things. It's a habit that I am working hard to break. People are entitled to feel however they feel about whatever is going on with them. Dancing the fine-line between advice and support is tough!

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  3. Hooray for being honest Helen - I think you'll gain more followers than lose them :D

    You have every right to feel how you do. In fact, I was thinking about you last night when I was doing a collective thought about all that you've been through just in the last year, and I can't even imagine why I wondered why you were down, so I apologize for that.

    Keep your head up and feet forward!

    Hugs,
    Biz

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  4. Ah Helen, I just love you. I love your honesty, your truthfulness, saying how it really is. That's a hard thing to do on these blogs because we all want everyone to like us all the time. I like you...all the time.

    I hear you on the comments "well, it could be worse! you could have...fill-in-the-blank.", or and I personally love this one, "you could be really fat". I know people mean well with those types of comments, they want to make us feel better, instead, it always makes me feel worse. Like I'm a whiny crybaby that doesn't have a clue how lucky I am. I guess it's all in the perspective, which side of the fence you're on.

    Anyway, here's to a better day, a better week and a better month. Take care Helen. Take care of yourself. :)

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  5. I eat what I want now with no guilt. When I was fat, I ate everything with guilt. Everything.
    Now if I give myself permission on one day to eat something I eat it and feel happy to be eating it.
    To say this:
    Helen, if you are exercising, eating healthy and feel good. Why are you trying to lose more weight?
    Banging your head into a brick wall to get to a body weight your body deosnt want seems like...
    a frustrating way to spend your time?
    Now, you know me, you know I am not a quitter and I don't advocate 'quitting'. That being said....if you are eating healthy and exercising that is all you CAN do.
    Is it that you want to weigh a 'certian weight' that you won't feel good till you get to.
    Or do you feel you aren't healthy?
    This may seem stupid coming from a 150 lb woman who wants to weigh 130 lbs. The thing is, my body is saying okay. It's dropping weight.
    I plan to eat 1500 to 1600 calories a day and have a higher calorie day on saturday.
    If that means I stop at 140 lbs...well, guess what...I am a 140 lb woman because I ain't starving and being miserable for the rest of my life for some image. And me starving would be what that was. For you it might feel as if you are not at a healthy weight and that's why you want to keep going. Now I am just babbling while typing..sorry. I vote run away for 3 days on your next vacay to somewhere quiet.
    Hang in there.

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  6. :D I have had comments like that. Where I have just had to walk away from my blog, lol. I commend you for speaking up about it! Sometimes it's "Did they even read the post?" or "Wow, they obviously have some personal issues." Opinions are like rear ends, everybody has one. ;)

    That's sad to me, "tasteing" the brownie but spitting it out. :/ Wow. Eww.

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  7. I, too, had to go back and re-read my comment from yesterday and THANK GAWD you had a link to it. I was freaking out that I'd said, like my mom used to say, I guess to cheer me up, "well, at least you can walk." Which pissed me off so much and you would have had to scratch your head in wonder at that "platitude." Because fer shure, those kinds of comments seem to frost over the real issues and aren't always helpful - though I have been guilty. (and after rereading my comment, at least I can say that.) I'm not sure what I would have done had I said, "you could have it so much worse. You could be homeless, living in a cardboardbox with 10 cats and a bunch of relatives and your teeth could have fallen out and you could use them as kindling to start your hotdog (should you be lucky enough to get a hotdog) fire tonight in your big ass ole oil can parked in front of the box." I hope a bunch of random hobos don't try to move in with you and Mr. Helen.

    This weekend, I'm going to visit my mom who needs hip replacement surgery. She's been alone for weeks because Crabby Appleton, her bf, is going blind and had to go home and be with his daughter and without his eyesight, he's of no help to mom. So my mom with her hip surgery on hold due to a virus, is in a lot of pain and has been suffering. I'm going to say to her "Well, at least you CAN'T walk!"

    Then I have to cancel our tickets to see the Dalai Lama in Oct, and possibly cancel the trip to Oahu in Nov and the hotel because she and I were going to do both together and we can't go together with her pain-filled hip.

    Sorry your vacay was miserable and it cracked me up that you said you did not enjoy each other's company. hahaha

    I have to STFU now. Bye!

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  8. You know what, Helen? I think it is perfectly OK to be disappointed, discombobulated and stretched too thin. How did Bilbo put it? Like butter scraped over too much bread.

    And I think first priority should go to dealing with this stretched-out-ness before anything else, otherwise you won't have the energy - or even the will! - to keep fighting the battle.

    Sending you light and hugs and peace!

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  9. Good for you speaking your peace Helen! I don't think you will lose any followers and if so then screw em.

    I have had some pretty insensitive comments made and my initial reaction is to fire back at them but I know that is counter productive. If it really bugs me, I delete it try to move on but that is so much easier said then done.

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  10. Wow - I missed the last 2 days but rest assured I'm going back to read them as soon as I finish commenting. I got a comment today that PISSED me off. I emailed the gal and may even deal with it in a future post. I loved that you said that however you feel about your vacation or anything else is HOW YOU FEEL and you're entitled to feel it and report it in your own blog. Sometimes I get so irritated with people I want to say "fuck 'em all". But as you also wisely noted, if we leave open commenting, people are invited to say whatever they say. But good for you for speaking your truth. You're one of my faves, and I missed you while you were on what I gather was a suckish vacay. Am going to read about it now!

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  11. You are real, I love it. I am SO real....enemies everywhere.
    Favorite quote (it's on the top of my blog):
    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
    — Dr. Seuss

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  12. I had to go back and read my comment too! You are right feelings are neither right or wrong they just are.

    Food is not the enemy it is our feelings surrounding it and our own associations that make it good or bad or make us feel guilty or not for eating it.

    It is such a mind game.

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  14. Yeah. To be young enough to eat a brownie without counting up the calories. I still enjoy a treat though even on my journey-just factor in the calories and then enjoy every single morsel. Michele

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  15. Bwahahahaha...I had to laugh at your "those type of comments sort of piss me off." I have sometimes censored myself because I didn't want comments like that...I just wanted to wallow. And you know what?? Wallowing for a while is okay! It's more than okay...it's necessary! And yes, I know I am lucky for a whole lotta reasons, but when I am feeling down and out and needing to vent? I'm a much better (and healthier) person when I am allowed to do that...without a bunch of platitudes. But I think it's hard for some people to witness...it makes them uncomfortable.

    And yes, here's to peace with food. One of my favorite quotes from Women Food & God is this: "I didn’t want the cookies, I wanted the way being allowed to have them made me feel."

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  16. Sometimes people just don't know what to say but want to say something...and it comes out wrong!! Especially in writing! I often feel the same way you do, Helen. I've had crappy vacations - washed out - crappy hotels, you name it...I totally get how you feel!!

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  17. Love this post! Can I be you when I grow up?

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