Friday, May 13, 2011

Good Enough to Eat

This post was orginally published on May 12, 2011.  Sorry if you read this and already commented on it... when Blogger went down, it ate the post.  Fortunately I had it in my posts to be edited so I'm publishing it again.

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Tuesday morning I woke up quite determined to do better.  Kristen wrote a post about changing just one thing and when I read it, it struck a chord with me as I've been desperately trying to up my water intake.  Sometimes we view this whole process of life as something that we have to take in big chunks and do many changes at once so we can hurry up and finish.  But truth is that one little change can set you on the path towards the larger overall changes you need.  Honestly I didn't want perfection, I just wanted better than what has been going on for months.  By the end of the day, I had eaten a reasonable amount of food, gone to a Muay Thai class and drank 12 glasses of water!  All good.  After Muay Thai and dinner I was reading the newspaper and half watching TV and decided I wanted a little something, so I got up and went to my hidden stash of candy and took out two pieces of Dove Dark Chocolate.  Sometimes this might be a trigger for me to go get three or four more but I really felt strong and determined and I knew instead of just chomping that chocolate in one big bite I would put it in my mouth and let it melt and really savour it.  And that's what I did. 

You know how karma will sometimes just show it's face, to make sure you're paying attention?  Let me just say when the two pieces of chocolate were done and I picked up the wrapper and thought to read the 'Promise' inside, I cracked up laughing!
Um, yeah.  Sort of a no kidding moment, you know?  Because I don't know about you but when I choose to ignore my signals that I've had enough food and I bust right through, I'm not thinking about anything but satisfying some sort of feeding frenzy.  Surely, I'm not counting calories or anything else, including the price of clothing not fitting.   I put that little wrapper on my refrigerator.

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How excited was I that I was able to jog on my treadmill on Wednesday morning?  So excited.  That was the first run I'd had in 11 days!  Afterward when I was using my Pro-Stretch, as I got into a really deep calf stretch, I could definitely feel the injury.  So I will need to continue to be very careful and stay taped up with KT Tape for my Muay Thai classes.

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As I was jogging on the treadmill Wednesday morning, I was watching The Biggest Loser and I heard one of the contestants talking about how 'she' was never quite enough, always falling a little bit short. As I ran I kept thinking, she's crazy, she can't even see how far she's come. Then she said, "I was never good enough for me."  Holy carp.  I think she looked right at me and pointed when she said that.  Oh well, I am just going to ignore that because 'I' don't do that.

Then, I started in on my morning blog reading.  You know Shelley is my BIF so I always go to her blog first (eh, sue me!).  Wednesday is the day that she gives us her weekly workout update.  She has been struggling with a running injury but I knew from our private communications that she has been able to swim and do yoga so I was excited to read what she would say about it.  However, I got there and she had not written about her workouts on the appointed day (the nerve). Instead she gave me my second or maybe even third Ah-Ha moment in 24 hours.

Until I was diagnosed with my thyroid problem, I'd never really had to lose large amounts of weight. But, I did my fair share of gaining 5-15 lbs. then losing it and gaining it back over and over again. The sad thing is that even when I was well into a healthy weight range, I was never, ever satisfied with myself. Always something wasn't quite right which would lead to despair (and weight gain) or crazy dieting - and I'm talking crazy crap like eating nothing but cabbage soup for a week - (and weight loss).

As I read what Shelley had to say, I realized that probably the reason I've never been able to settle comfortably at any weight is that I have never thought I was good enough.  Even when I weighed 135 pounds I picked myself to death:  fat thighs, pot belly, double chin, fat arms, etc., etc., etc.  And so, for 20 years I've stayed in alternating bouts of despair and crazy dieting searching for the Holy Grail of whatever that body is supposed to be in my mind.  Here's the really ironic thing:  I don't even know what I'm looking for... because if I can't be satisfied with 135 pounds at 5' 6" tall, there is something going on that has nothing to do with the reality of where my body is.

Now that I've realized this, I am claiming it as my first step to just exactly where I'm supposed to be and I'm saying that when I get there, no matter what, it will 'I' will be enough, because I already am.

11 comments:

  1. Love this post Helen! And I am with you, just making small changes can lead to bigger ones. Whenever I decided I "was on" I had all these rules: no pizza, no bagels, exercise 90 minutes a day, drink a gallon of water, etc. I may be exaggerating, but I had so many "rules" that if I messed up and had a slice of pizza, I determined myself a failure and then would fall off the wagon and eat like shit for sometimes weeks.

    But this time around, I have no rules other than to try to make each day the best I can and move on.

    I have to say, my favorite of this whole post is the last line - you are beautiful Helen!

    And mine is the second blog you read each day, right?! Ha! Hugs to you!

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  2. This was a really good post. It's so important to think of this as something you can do over the long haul. Small changes do add up! Love the wrapper from the candy! So funny.

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  3. I had read once (and I can't remember if it were being applied to weight loss or house cleaning) to make 1 change that you feel you have control over. The satisfaction of being in control of that one thing will lead to you changing other things in your life. One step at a time. It really does work!

    I think learning the lesson of being satisfied with who you are and where you are is one of the toughest "educations" you'll ever get. Me included in that. It's a self love discovery. It's seeing the positive you in stead of the negative you. It's so difficult and I think most women struggle with it. I'm certainly not there. Heck, I picked myself apart even when I was 125 pounds! Not a healthy way to live life. I think it just sets us up for failure.

    Doing good, Helen. Way to go on the jogging too. Woohoo!!!!

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  4. I used to have control with those Dove chocolates and after one "incident" we don't buy them anymore :( You look AMAZING and have come so far. I told Shelley that it's kind of like buying an old house. It's never done but it keeps looking better and better the more you put into it. Great job with the running gain!

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  5. It "ate" the post....of course it did, we're all crazy about eating, right?

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  6. I really should start reading my Dove wrappers. They seem to contain a lot of wisdom...somehow I suspect a team of women are writing them!

    I sure hope we can figure out this body image thing, and soon. Hugs to you, my BIF!

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  7. I've read Shelley's Wednesday post too (she's one of my favorite bloggers and so are you) and I can totally relate to that AHA moment of her and now of you.

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  8. Body image is just one of the hardest things to figure out. Even harder than losing weight, I think.

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  9. This post was just as good the second time around! Happy Monday Helen!

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  10. I did read this post but I couldn't leave a comment on it. Thanks for sharing this. Shelly's post was a good read too thanks for telling me about it.

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  11. Ah, thanks for the link! Just to make ONE SMALL CHANGE ... and it could change your whole way forward. I'm pretty sure it WILL.

    I've been seriously back-sliding (as in SERIOUSLY) in the healthy living department, so your post has offered me some real food for thought, as you so often do. Thank you, Helen. I am right there with you on drinking more water (even if winter is setting in here) and I know my one small change needs to be eating MORE RAW STUFF.

    Hugs, and thank you again for the inspiration! It helps to know we don't fight alone.

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