Monday, April 2, 2012

Waving the White Flag of Surrender

I am having a very difficult time right now with a couple of things combining forces to make me want to get in bed, cover my head, and have someone wake me up on the first day of summer.

I always feel a bit of seasonal lag this time of year.  Though not buried in snow like last year, we have been getting hints of spring/summer and then the temps go right back to freezing.  My closet is schizophrenic with clothes strewn about as I try to figure out what to wear each day.  It makes me feel tired and slightly crazed.  I am glad for the vacation we have planned to warmer weather, but that’s not for another month.

The vacation itself is also contributing to the crazed feeling because I set some pretty specific goals for myself to make prior to going.  Even though I am 4 weeks away I realized last week, I am not going to make my goals.  I realized it to the point where I actually said to a friend, “I think I’m going to have to surrender my vacation goals and that feels very disappointing. I guess I need to work on surrendering that disappointment too.”  So far this year, I’ve sucked at goals:  didn’t make my weight loss goal prior to my doctor’s appointment and now will not make this pre-vacation one either.  That’s tiring and discouraging.  Pretty sure this confirms I should stop setting these damn goals – but usually goal setting works very well for me. And please do not jump in here and comment that this is why ‘you’ never set goals. Honestly, I don’t care about why you do or don’t.  I’m not you.

It is said “Love yourself more than (fill in the blank)” and the circumstance will change.  I’m not sure I totally agree with that 100%.  Because I know what it’s like to love myself more, eat less, move more, do all the right things and still not get the results I should.  Once again I find myself in the precarious position of starting to feel like I’m working very hard and getting no results.  It’s like banging my head against a brick wall.  It’s the same old pattern that has been going on with me ever since my thyroid diagnosis in 2006.  “Something” works for a while, and then?  It doesn’t.  I can’t ever seem to get back to the not overweight state I was in pre-diagnosis. I don’t want to be ‘overweight.’ I want to be normal weight even if it is on the high side of normal.  So frustrating I don’t have the words to describe how it feels. I know I'm not alone in experiencing this, but even others going through this don't have any magic answers - or pills. I want things to work for me again.

In the midst of all of this, Mr. Helen has never been more supportive of me – not ever in almost 20 years of marriage – than he has been these last few months.  Almost daily he builds me up with sweet compliments and is my personal cheerleader. He keeps talking about that dumb bathing suit and how proud he is that I’ve worked so hard to look good in it.  Last week when I got my stripe in Muay Thai and my name was called he whistled and cheered and got everyone to clap.  It was sort of funny and even as the Kyoshi striped me she looked at me and said, “I think you have a fan.”  It’s true, he has been my biggest fan of late.  With this type of personal support I *should* be able to get it together, right?

But I can’t.  I keep waffling around the same 20 lbs. total lost and still need/want to lose another 15-20 lbs. I’m completely stalled.  The tiny amount of weight I’ve lost recently? Far harder than any of the weight I’ve lost since I started losing. Not to mention that I seem to be on a lose a little, gain a little trend that is threatening my sanity. I want the results I deserve and it feels like too much to bear or to have to continue on with. I am weary these days.  I don’t want to think about food or drink or exercise or anything related to it.

Please understand.  I am very appreciative of my body and what it currently looks like and can do.  But, bottom line, I want to lose weight. While I am surrendering the specific goals I had wanted to reach prior to vacation, I can't quite give up hope that I will get to normal weight and lower body fat percentage.  I am not yet ready to wave the white flag of surrender and just let go all of my hopes and dreams when it comes to weight loss and fitness.  Still, in the midst of my weariness, I need to also figure out what to do so that I can hold on long enough to get through this.

I am going to do this regardless of my circumstance.  I am going to succeed.  No excuses.
Never give up.  Never give in.
(from the Biggest Loser)

14 comments:

  1. Actually a pretty difficult post to respond to for me. This is about you and I don't want to share my own experiences this time. On one thing I do: I know what you mean with the seasonal lag, something I have every year in Spring and Autumn.

    My guess would be that your weight is on a plateau at the moment. I would say: keep doing what you are doing. You are doing great, you are doing everything right. There must come a point where your body finally realizes it can't win this battle from you and has to give up the fight and get rid of the weight it's holding on to.

    So you don't reach your goals but girl there are many people out there (I'm raising my hand) that don't do what you do, don't have that dedication that you do to get where you want to be. If you could sell your dedication in a bottle, you'd be rich.

    As you say: never give up, never give in. Your weight loss will continue, I'm sure about that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well - I totally get where you are coming from. I think the thing with goals is to note progress, not so much the finish of a goal, otherwise pretty much no one ever gets to a goal (or stays there).

    To make big changes when you are this close takes big changes from what you are doing. Reducing calories is likely not going to get there, but the exercise. Not that you aren't doing enough, because you *certainly* are.
    -
    (my opinion now, which can be taken or left from this point forward)-
    I know you hate strength training, but if just for a little while focus on that in a big way and get way out of your comfort zone with it, I think you will see some more changes. As we get older, you have to keep changing what you are doing because the body will go the other way on it's own and we have to fight harder and differently to get it back on course.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm right there with you! I think my husband would be perfectly happy if I stayed just the way I am - he treats me the same no matter my weight, truly I am blessed....HOWEVER...it's HOW I FEEL that matters here! And, although I sooooooooooo appreciate his kindness, support, etc. (in our 21 yrs he's NEVER even hinted I needed to lose 1 pound!! Not ONCE...NEVER, NOPE.), I HAVE to do this for ME.

    Just wanted to say I understand and Onward Soldier!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Plateaus suck and it sounds like you are in the midst of one...I think it's really, really important for you to remember that you HAVE LOST 20 POUNDS AND ARE KEEPING IT OFF - because at this point, so many dieters end up throwing in the towel and not only not losing, but regaining their weight out of frustration.

    And, I can't even tell you to just "let go of thinking about food and eat what your body craves" because we all know that that is a slippery slope for us dieters. Let's face it, dieting pretty much sucks the big one. Just know you have both my empathy and sympathy.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Helen, you told it like it is for those of us who have struggled with weight for a long time. Shelley is right--plateaus and dieting suck! Dealing with this day in and day out is exhausting.

    Concentrate on keeping off the 20 pounds you have already lost. This is the point where sometimes a change in food plan is helpful to kickstart again. (Not everyone agrees with me, and I have taken heat for doing this, but we're all different.) Another thing I do when I'm in your situation (and I'm pretty close right now) I reorganize and clean my closet and drawers and get rid of excess. I may straighten my cupboards, and other things as well. Sometimes feeling in control of one area of my life gets me back on track in others.

    I hesitate to talk about myself, because this is about you, but we are all in this boat together, and I like to hear ideas from others. I understand completely where you are coming from. I wish there was a magic "something or other" for all of us. I'm thinking of you today and what courage and perseverance you have shown. Keep the faith, be kind to yourself and there will be better days ahead

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sorry to hear frustration has gotten a hold on you. But happy to hear you have your own personal cheerleader. You know he is sincere and will tell it like it is. Wrap your mind around that and get ready for vacay! I can't wait to hear all about it!

    xo,
    Linda

    ReplyDelete
  7. I read this before I did my 30 day shred, and you actually inspired me to work harder than I normally would have - so thanks!

    I am sorry things have stalled for you. If its any solace, when I lost my 70 pounds, there were weeks and weeks in a row when I was working just as hard as I ever did, and the scale showed absolutely no results. The big picture is that I ended up losing 70 pounds in 13 months, but I had to ride the plateaus.

    Sending huge hugs your way - you continue to be my inspiration - I can't say its my age or diabetes that's holding me back, its just me.

    THE SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE was amazing!! Holy shizz, I am going to be looking forward to breakfast every day this week, and love that its already portioned!

    Keep your head up! :D

    ReplyDelete
  8. You can do it, Helen. I'm always amazed at your strength and determination.

    I think we go through cycles mentally and physically. I don't have proof of it but I seem to go fromm periods of feeling defeated to times of feeling invincible. And my body seems to be stubborn and then yielding. SO who knows? Perhaps it's just a phase.

    You'll get to your goal. I have no doubt.

    ReplyDelete
  9. So sorry that you're feeling the frustration, but as I've said before, you have an amazing weight loss/work out ethic that has brought you a long way. You've drastically improved your health indicators (blood work, B/P, etc...), are sustaining a 20 pound loss, helping others each day. This too shall pass. I think maybe your body really needs time to adjust and accustom to its new normal state. More change will come in time. Keep the faith!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. You got a stripe in Muay Thai??? Congratulations!!!

    Pretty much others have commented better than I can, so I'll just say I thought Jane and Lori had good ideas about changing up the food/exercise. That does seem to work for some people (and has worked temporarily for me.) Plus agree with Shelley about dieting sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You are such a real person with real feelings. If you thought your post was negative, it is not. You inspire me regardless of your progress or no progress. You put into words the way I feel inside. I admire the way you humanize the things so many of us struggle with every day. I don't feel so alone when I read your thoughts, Helen. I can only say, hang in there, girl.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hi Helen. The only thing I want to add (as the comments above mirror my sentiment) is 'HUGS'.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I feel your frustration oozing from your post...and I feel for you. Don't have anything to add, no advice, no here's-what-I-would-do....just want to say I'm sorry it sucks so much right now. OH! One thing I will say is that you don't suck at goals. You've blown some goals out of the water (like running).

    ReplyDelete
  14. plateaus suck the life out of us or can feel that way.
    IM THERE WITH YOU.
    a different arena but Im stuck at a plateau and longed to climb backin bed yesterday, too.

    ReplyDelete