Monday, May 14, 2012

Skidding on the Runway

My crash landing back into reality after vacation turned into what felt like a jet skidding along a runway all of last week.  A bit out of control but you know eventually the thing has got to stop.

For reasons that are mysterious to me, I found it extremely hard to get back into a flow.  Not just with exercise and eating but also just in my daily routine at work.  Everything felt herky jerky and let me tell you I could not wait for this past weekend to hurry up and get here.  I'm sure it didn't help me that it rained/drizzled and was grey and depressing the entire week!  The temps were below normal too.

Friday night I went to a Muay Thai class that ended up being one of the best classes I've had in months.  I left there feeling motivated and ready to rock and roll. Oh, and this was my first class as a BROWN BELT!  We were away on vacation for the testing so at the end of class last Monday, I was given my belt.  I'm proud that I've stuck this out through all the material and schedule changes.  7 more months and maybe I'll be a black belt.

Brown belt and all, when I got up Saturday?  OY.  I had the hardest time wanting to do anything and I had a 'to do' list a mile long.  But, it was sunny and the temps were climbing so I allowed myself to drink coffee for one hour and then I went out for my run - which I did not want to do. (Again, so unusual for me.)  When I left I told Mr. Helen that I was going for a short run. While I was gone he decided to go to a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class but was afraid to leave because he thought I hadn't taken a key and because I wasn't coming back in the time he knows I would have on a short run. The reason I wasn't coming back was that, as usual, once I was out running (and the weather was gorgeous!) I felt so good I decided to go longer.  Ended up running 6.1 miles at an 11:15 pace.  I'm still not happy with that pace but it probably won't change much until I lose a bit more weight so I need to just suck it up and forget about it.  Thankfully, Mr. Helen went off to his class.

Then I had a day full of chores but did manage to get out to my patio for 1 1/2 hours of just sitting in the sun and reading and then again for the first Happy Hour of the season! (That was because I made an Executive Decision to postpone grocery shopping until Sunday.)

Sunday after grocery shopping I did food prep and cooking for the week until 2 o'clock and then my siblings and I got together with Mama Helen for Mother's Day.  None of us care for the restaurant buffet type things that are offered and since Gary passed away there hasn't been anyone to cook ( Gary always cooked for us, usually grilling some sort of meat that Mr. Helen provided. Mr. Helen can't do it now because he works on Sundays and neither of my brothers are motivated that way). We did as we've done the last couple of years, bringing our own food - takeout and otherwise - and spent a couple hours together.

In any case, I never did feel like I got my mojo back completely, but I spent the weekend setting myself up for success for this week, which really is all one can do, right?

It's very interesting how this sort of uneasiness can begin to play with my mental state.  While I haven't been exercising as hard for the last two weeks (vacation week, then see "jet skidding" above) I noticed that I was starting to feel 'soft' by the time I got dressed for that Muay Thai class on Friday night, i.e. my vacation abs were starting to hide.  As I looked in the mirror, I convinced myself that I was the fattest thing going and that when I waddled into the dojo people were going to turn around, point, and start laughing at me.  I'm not kidding.  Of course that did not happen and like I said, I had a fabulous workout.  But that sort of mental burden is heavy and often hard to shake.

Immediately after vacation I had weighed myself.  Remember I took the scale break?  So I got on my Zero Scale and it said I had gained 2 lbs. in 33 days.  I was pretty happy with that.  No telling how much, if any of that was vacation weight but it is definitely the least amount of weight I've ever gained after a full week's vacation in St. Martin where I spend the week eating homemade regular and chocolate croissants and cheese for breakfast and having a cocktail every single night before dinner.

So with my mental state of fatness coming from the herky jerky week, and even after my great workout Friday night, I convinced myself that I had probably gained another 6 or 7 pounds this past week.  I thought for sure I would see delayed vacation weight gain. I just knew I'd step on the scale Saturday morning and it would  be a disaster of epic proportions... to the point where I didn't even take my camera with me.  For the first time in months I didn't chart my progress visually.

As I stepped on I began chastising myself for my stupidity and laziness last week and not getting with it and screaming in my head what a complete and total failure I was and wondering why anyone would want to associate me and well, you know what that beating, beating, beating is like.  I waited for the scale to come to zero, then stepped on, closed my eyes, and when I looked down I saw I had lost 1.2 lbs. this past week.  But I have no way to prove that so you'll just have to trust me that I won't lie ;)

There really is no conclusion to this meandering post except once again, I learned that one cannot live by feelings alone.  There is a whole distinct formula that determines where we are at any given moment.  I also learned that I still have a long way to go in the body confidence and self-esteem department, bikini be damned.


  1. First: congratulations on your brown belt! Fantastic.

    This post sounds familiar to me. I sometimes feel the same like you did last week and think I've gained tons while in fact that didn't happen. The way we feel is sometimes different from how our body really is.

    Knowing you you will be back to your regular routine before this week is over.

  2. It is so hard to get back into the groove after a vacation that is very much unlike the reality of our lives. So don't beat yourself up. It will all come together. It took me a couple of weeks when we returned from France last fall. I just couldn't get with it, but I did eventually get back into the routine of my life. I just had to reacclimate and allow the structure to creep back in.

    As far as thinking you gained when you actually didn't. I just had that experience last week, and I was pleasantly surprised to find out I had lost, after I had moped around for a couple of days avoiding the scale.

    Savor your lovely memories. You're running--doing food prep--you're doing just fine.

  3. Isn't it crazy how we can let the mental part of weight loss almost get in the way? I am hoping with my new plan to just focus on the positive!

    You should put your bikini picture on your bathroom mirror to remind yourself how great you look!!

  4. I can totally relate to this post Helen. It's that crazy kind of internal dialogue that really messes with me! My emotions and self worth can get so warped by how I "think" I look. I wish I knew how to change this for good but I don't have it figured out yet.

    Congrats on your weight loss!

  5. I hate having that "fat" feeling. Which just shows how much of this whole shebang is mental, especially when you step on the scale and show a loss! My wish for you is that as you continue on with your awesome fitness and healthy lifestyle, you'll gain more and more body confidence, because dang, you look SO GOOD NOW!

  6. Why is it so easy to flip the switch off but turning it back on can take weeks!

    SOOO glad you had a loss anyway. I think that's the best way to get the mojo back!

  7. This whole weight loss, body image and eating thing is such a head trip, isn't it? That's why it's important to have some consistent habits that we do no matter getting on the scale once a week. That can be tricky because the scale can take on human proportions as it either mocks us or delights us (and everything in between!), but it's important to know where we are on a fairly regular basis. May your usual mojo find its way back fully this week.

  8. Brown belt - woo hoo!

    I think the fat feeling is going around lately. I have it big time right now (and I haven't been weighing myself this month, which probably has something to do with it). I am so sure I am back at 200 pounds, which is totally not reality, but I understand totally about your feeling in class. Female minds are just so obnoxious sometimes!

    I think you should just walk around all confident to get your esteem up. You have a brown belt. Strut your stuff with that!

  9. For what it's worth, I have a hard time getting back into the groove, even after just a day or two away! It seems to be getting worse as I get older. Bah!

    Anyway, it sounds like you've found a nice balance and your body is responding in kind...congratulations and trust yourself!

  10. Hi Helen. First, congratulations on your brown belt. VERY exciting. Also yay you for getting out and running even though you didn't really want to go. It can be SO brutal getting back in the swing of things after a wonderful holiday. Hang in there...and may you feel the return of your mojo very soon. Hugs.

  11. good gosh I can relate. Im back after 5 WORK days away and just feel wonky and out of whack in EVERY area of my life.

  12. Adjusting back to reality after a week of total paradise is tough on anyone, so cut yourself some slack, my friend. :) I think it's terrific you kept slogging through the weekend chores to tee up for next week. Sometimes you gotta fake it 'til you make it, and that's what you did. Keep going, and it will come back for real!