Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Tuesday Ten Things I'm Not Talking About

but that I cant stop thinking about.....

10.  My injuries have overwhelmed me physically.  Since April when they first started, I have slowly gained back around 10 pounds (~ 2lbs./month).  I'm sure it's due to reduced activity and NOT reduced eating.  Not that I'm eating more it's just that I haven't cut back since I'm having to modify so much of my exercise.  But I'm so emotionally drained I almost don't care to do anything about it.  Some days I honestly have thoughts like, "food is the only pleasure I have left and I'm not going to restrict it!"

9.  My various physical injuries have overwhelmed me emotionally and mentally even though things are slowly getting better.  But I am fearful, especially about my foot.  What if it 'never' gets completely better?  Because you know, last year I had that nerve/cervical incident and spent weeks and $$ on treatments and to this day I still cannot feel the index finger on my right hand.

8.  Last Saturday we had our first timed run for the black belt test.  They wanted to see who needs to work on it and who is fine now.  I missed the time limit by 2 minutes but considering my injured foot and the temperature/humidity I wasn't completely upset by my time.  There was a period of time, not too long ago, uninjured and 20 pounds lighter that making the time wouldn't have been a problem. While I don't care that I'm running with an injured foot because I suppose I'm hoping it will be better soon (please?), I do care that I'm running overweight but evidently not enough to do anything about itI'm very angry/upset/disappointed with myself.

7. My house is driving me crazy.  There are all these little corners that need organizing/cleaning out.  But we're having a good summer so I don't feel like spending any extra time doing it when I'd rather go to the beach instead.  So I ignore it and go/do what I want to, but then I get back home and it's driving me crazy.  Crazy.  Why don't I pick one project and work on that a little at a time?  I actually 'think' about doing that but then I feel too discombobulated and distracted to concentrate. Instead, I put on the TV and watch some dumb reality show - or eat something - or have a glass of wine -  to just. not. think. and to drown out the crazy feeling.  Any one of those only works temporarily and then I'm back to crazy.

6.  Recently, I interviewed for and got a job that has been a dream job for me for as long as I can remember.  Within 24 hours, I lost the job because they offered me one salary then called me back 12 hours later and reduced the salary due to "provisions in the union contract."  The first salary was already a bit of a pay cut but the second would have been $10,000 less than what I currently make and we (Mr. Helen and I) couldn't swing that no matter how we finagled.  I was devastated for a couple of days and since then have just been sad.

5.  I have to find a new job because I am terrified (and certain) that I'm losing my skills as there are days when I literally sit and do not one thing.  Not one.  But jobs I'm qualified for are few and far between.  Which is another reason I've been feeling sad.  What if I'm trapped in this job?

4.  I wish we could figure out a way for me to stop working all together, but that's never going to happen.  Truthfully all my working life I've wished I could either have one of my dream jobs or not have to work.  Between marrying poor, us not even buying our first home until we were in mid-life, and my own lack of skills/college degree or whatever, no go on either of those options. So I suck it up.

3.  Every. single. day. I get up and want to call out of work and out of my life and just get in my car and leave.  I don't even know where to, just not here. Probably the reason God won't let me win the lottery because if I had the money that's exactly what I'd do.

2.  I'm tired. Exhausted really.  It's affecting my ability to be happy for anyone else who has something good going on for them.  I just feel pissed and jealous and evil. Unreasonable.

1.  All of the above are reasons I'm not blogging much.  I'm actually sick of myself.  

35 comments:

  1. Oh, Helen.
    Here is my unsolicited advice: check out for the rest of the summer. Just, take it off and enjoy the weather and the time. You're right, we are having a good summer, the best we've had in a while. So just go on auto-pilot at work and at home, and concentrate on the thing that makes you happy right now, going to the beach and relaxing. Worry about cleaning up corners at home or improving your skills on the job after Labor Day.

    Just, leave it. Enjoy the summer. You've earned the right to shut it all down for a bit. I did that a few years ago, and it felt GREAT. This summer, I too am cutting back on pushing myself as hard as I can. It's okay. We're allowed. That's the advantage of being a grown-up.

    Hang in there, hon.

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    1. Kristen, your unsolicited advice seemed to be the comment of the day - and it made my day. My type-A personality finds the checking out thing very hard to do but somehow you saying it's an advantage of being a grown-up is making me consider the possibility.

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  2. I'm glad to hear from you, even if you are sick of yourself - we are not sick of you.

    Enjoy your summer! Do the beach - grab every bit of joy you can from that right now. That crazy corner of your house will still be there.

    BTW - I so get you on the distracted thing - I cannot concentrate or do much of anything productive to save my soul. If rapid-rapid transit were available, I'd be up in your neck of the woods in a second and we could distract each other! It might work for an evening....

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    1. I would love to be distracted with you Roxie!

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  3. Ditto above 2 ladies - and so glad you just dumped it out here. Hopefully that will lighten the load a bit. I think Kristen had a good suggestion about just checking out for the rest of the summer, to everything possible. Of course you'll still do your work outs, but accept them as being the best you can do FOR NOW, knowing full well things (externally and internally) will gradually shift and change.

    Sucks about the dream job - surely they had an inkling about "the provisions..." before they quoted a salary in the first place. I truly believe it wasn't going to be right for you, given the fact that it didn't work out. Things unfold as they do; maybe there were personalities there that could have transformed a dream job into living hell.

    Hugs to you - take care of yourself. Always great to read you!

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    1. It was cathartic to write it out Leslie. And believe it or not this is a very heavily edited version from the first one that came out. You're right. I need to focus on "for now" and forget about all the rest.

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  4. I'm so sorry, Helen. I wish I had some magic words that would make everything right for you. But I am so glad that you are enjoying the summer, and I think Kristen is right. Check out for the duration, and when fall comes, crisp and cool, like a new year, your outlook may well change.

    I have also had some summer malaise for a variety of reasons (lack of ambition and interest in doing things), and I understand what an injury can do to one's entire well-being. I had that issue last year and also gained 10 pounds.

    I don't know where you work or what you do, but have you ever thought about seeking employment in a school system? With your pleasant demeanor, you may have opportunity as a receptionist/admin. asst. You don't need a degree, and there are benefits and a good amount of time off in the summer. I worked in schools for 28 years, and they're generally upbeat places to go to on a daily basis. I'm retired now, and I miss it. Take what I say with a grain of salt...just thinking here...not meaning to be overbearing and directive. Thinking of you...

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    1. Ironically Jane, the job was as the secretary to the principal of the high school in the city I live in. I've always wanted to work in a school system. I would be really good at it. While it was a 12 month position, meaning I'd work year 'round, it would have changed my commute from 15 miles to 1. I'm still so sad about it, I can't really think about it or I find myself crying.

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    2. So sorry. I could certainly see you in such a position, and that's why I mentioned it. But keep an eye on the school district job postings, if you think you would enjoy working there. There may be better paying positons in other areas, such as central administration. Most of those positions are what is often called "off schedule," and not dependant on the union to determine salaries. Anyone would be lucky to have you.

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  5. Oh Helen, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I hope it feels better to at least to have gotten some of that out.

    For the job thing, maybe you could look into some online schools to get some additional training to prepare. That's what I did and how I got my current job. No - not my dream job, but I do get to work at home. It's never too late to retrain and make yourself more marketable. You are very intelligent and would be an asset for anyone to have working with them.

    I know you have Shelley's shoulder for support, but if you need another one at any time, I am here.

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    1. Interesting that you mention online courses Lori as I've been thinking about doing just that. Maybe find something to totally change my career. I appreciate your offer of support as I'm sure one day Shelley is going to just tell me to shut up lol!

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  6. I am right there with you on the job front. It's pretty sad how quickly an unsatisfying job just overflows and impacts seemingly every aspect of life. For me, I've been in that unsatisfying job for a long time now. Years, actually. While disappointing, I have found this down feeling to be somewhat cyclical and I can pull myself out of it by doing things that I do get some satisfaction from. It was funny you mentioned the corners that needed organizing! I have a list on my fridge of all the things that need some *help* in each area of the house. Each weekend I try hit one off the list. It doesn't make me magically happy at work, but I at least I feel good about something I've done.

    Aaaa-aand, I'm coming back from injury and I know how frustrating that can be! It sounds trite, but try to be positive. That's all you can do to keep from falling into an abyss of sadness. :( You will find your upswing soon -- you're a strong woman. If it doesn't come to you, you'll find it. :)

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    1. Sucks to have a job like that. Especially since we spend so much time in our day there. So I will hope for both of us that we can find something better and move on!

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  7. I like the suggestion of checking out for the rest of the summer. If you're not going to do the crap that's been nagging you, then don't - the world won't end. Reminds me of when I decided that I was tired of worrying about dieting and said "screw it" and ate whatever I wanted, with pleasure and NO GUILT. It was awesome, lemme tell you. Now, of course, it got me to weighing well over 250 pounds, but I had several years of pure enjoyment. So who's to say that taking a month to enjoy the summer, which is your favorite season, instead of cleaning and cooking and organizing, is wrong? Go for it - like Kirsten said, you're an adult and you can do this now!

    As for the rest...yeah. I get it. Hugs.

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    1. I know you get it Shelley and I so appreciate your long suffering and kindness!

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  8. I can totally understand that you are tired. You have a LOT on your plate right now. It would overwhelm me too.

    First I have to agree with Kirsten en Shelley about the househould chores: leave them this month, they will still be here when Summer is over.
    But if you are like me and it keeps irritating you: make a list and do one project a week. After you've done it: forget about the rest till the next week.

    As for your injury, all I can say is that I keep my fingers crossed that it will heal soon.

    Don't worry about the blogging, I'll be here waiting patiently till you are ready to get back to regular blogging. Since I started following your blog you have become one of my favorite bloggers. You always have advice for me when I need it (sucks that I don't have it for you now) and I have learned so much from you. Just wanted you to know that and hope it brings a little smile on your face in these, for you, hard times.

    xoxo

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    1. Thank you Fran, that's so sweet of you. No advice needed, just you being my virtual friend means a lot to me.

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  9. I hope you think this is kind of funny, because I actually laughed when I was reading this post. This morning I looked at the list of bloggers and thought I only have time to read one. I'll read Helen because she's always so upbeat and happy. Sometime that kind of pisses me off a little because I'm not either, but I still like reading your blog (a lot).

    I don't ever recall reading one like this but I had to actually laugh because you sound like me. Except I don't have any injuries (I just feel old and worn out), don't do black belt (but I'm too fat to ride my bike, have gained back 60 pounds, not 10, but other than that, there are a lot of similarities.

    I had a little breakdown last night. Told my husband not sure how I can go on with all the crap in my life. He could only say, I know, I feel the same way. Didn't really help at all, but at least he understood.

    I understand exactly how you feel Helen. No brilliant words of wisdom, but I know this will pass eventually. Right now though, it sucks.

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    1. What I think is funny is that you perceive me as always upbeat and happy. I guess that's maybe better than being perceived as always negative.

      Here's to both of us rising from the ashes Diana!

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  10. Helen
    I feel like you were inside my head when your wrote this! I attribute my feeling like this to menopause (I'm 55). Also have talked to other women around this age and they all feel like this to some degree. I think we as women have to juggle so much and take care of everyone it eventually gets to be too much.... I hope it passes

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    1. This too shall pass. I do believe it. Actually I know it. One day I hope to look back at this blog post and think "good grief!"

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  11. I actually posted on facebook yeterday I am going to drive in my car..and just keep driving.

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    1. I think we all must feel that way sometimes.

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  12. AWWW!!!! So sorry that life is a bit overwhelming at the moment Helen!!! I sincerely hope this passes and you feel better soon. I have a note on my desk that I look at every day, because my job situation sounds very like yours. It says "Everything is going to be alright. Maybe not today, but eventually". And I truly believe that. Hang in there, be kind to yourself, surround yourself with love, laughter and martinis, and I'm sending a BIG HUG your way!!!!!!!

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    1. Thank you for this Roz. I'm going to print that saying out for myself!

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    1. You were one of the first blogs I followed Linda and I still love going to your "place" to see your gorgeous photos. Thank you!

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  14. ahh I relate to this far far more than you know.
    and my back is killing me.

    xo

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    1. Sorry about your back Miz. Take care of it!

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  15. I identify with so much of what you said. The job situation is different, but the physical problems and wanting to check out. Part of why I gained some weight back was because of withdrawal from the medication they had me taking. It drove me crazy. One thing I read about feelings I was having during withdrawal was, even if it is just one small thing, do that to build positive feelings. I started doing that and it was the beginning of starting to pull myself out. I also went through an extremely rough time after my divorce 8 years ago. I had conscious thoughts of wanting to drink myself into oblivion, just to escape the pain (I am not and have never been a drinker). I knew that would bring a whole new set of problems to deal with, so I gave myself permission to escape in other ways -- reading, a TV show, going to the beach! It was just where I was at the time and it was okay. After a while, I was ready to face the world and start healing. And I did! Now I am trying to heal in a different way. I do know one thing -- healing is all about the choices we make. So, I am all for you taking the down time. But I do caution you, as someone who has been there, not to give in to the eating anything you want thing. I did that and had 40 pounds to take off again, and it certainly did not help the physical problems. Find small accomplishments that bring you satisfaction and build on that. Helen, I will pray for you. Like I said, I identify with so much of what you said.

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    1. Your prayers for me are gratefully accepted.

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  16. Helen, parts of this post could have actually been written by me. I too have a job that some days I may make one single copy, and then have nothing else to do. It makes for one boring ass day, but you already know that.

    And since I haven't been tracking and took about 3 weeks off from working out - you know what the scale said today?? 170! I've gained 5 pounds and I had been maintaining 165 for as long as I can remember.

    I wish there was a way that I could make you feel better - just know you are not alone, we are here for you and I hope you can feel this virtual hug!!

    I am hoping my August goals will kick my ass in gear.

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  17. Sorry, Helen. Things always get better. Seems like when something happens it's a snowball effect until we feel buried. But it ALWAYS gets better. And you have a sweet husband to love you through all of it.

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  18. Knowing that this too shall pass is more than half the battle although knowing never seems to make it feel better in the moment (BTDT). Sending massive amounts of positive thoughts and prayers (and hugs) your way.

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