Prior to my thyroid diagnosis in 2005, I knew something 'had' to be wrong - the signs were there as I slowly gained weight while training for a half marathon. Of course I didn't know exactly what it was but even as everything came tumbling down I soldiered on, thinking that maybe I was eating too many carbohydrates due to all the running I was doing. What amazed the doctor was that I had managed to function as I did. But again, even with the weight gain how I felt had become so ordinary I didn't imagine something somewhat serious could be wrong.
These days if I don't exercise, I pretty much feel terrible and achey all over. It's not restful at all. When I do exercise, my foot hurts. Depending on what I do my foot may hurt a lot or hurt a little. But pretty much, most days, it hurts all day long. Some days I walk in the house and Mr. Helen asks me what happened at work because I look like I've been through the wringer. The other day I told him not even to ask anymore - it's simply the effort of trying to function in pain all day that is making me look that way.
The simplest things, like getting up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water, or getting dressed for work, take twice as long because my foot hurts.The constant pain also pushes so many other things out of balance: at any given time I may or may not be eating properly, sleeping properly, or even emotionally proper.
It's a vicious cycle too because if I don't sleep well, I don't want to exercise which makes me feel bad both physically and emotionally. Then the chances are that I will not eat properly because my brain is screaming for relief and it hasn't gotten it through exercise-induced endorphins. When I don't eat properly I further feed the negative self talk that causes emotional and spiritual downward spirals. See? Vicious cycle.
This morning, I wanted to be outside which means I can't really run. I may get a jogging spurt or two in but the pavement is just too hard on my foot even with the special heel cup and orthotic insert I now have in my shoe. (When I want to actually run I have to stick with the treadmill.) So, going outside means I make the choice to walk or wog. That's fine because at least it's exercise. But the minute my foot started throbbing, I found my thoughts diving downward as I mourned the loss of my favorite running season. "Already it's dark the whole time I'm out and pretty soon it will be cold too and wow this just SUCKS. Seems like everyone I know is getting to run and race and train and all I can do is limp along. It SUCKS. No, I suck. I'm not what people think I am. I'm a big faker. A big fat faker. It's no wonder people constantly look shocked when I say I run or do Muay Thai. Jeez. I can't even really do Muay Thai properly right now either. The timing on this could not be worse with my black belt testing coming up. Sigh. I DO suck. I should just give up, I should just say eff it all and quit everything..."
Then I get home and think that I just won't eat the spinach omelette I planned for breakfast, I'm going to have... what? A donut. (I don't even like donuts for crying out loud!) A blueberry muffin and not a low fat one. A bagel with cream cheese and an egg and bacon! Ay-yi-yi. See? Vicious cycle.
So yeah, I'm very out of balance now and trying to figure out what to do and how to get back up and stay on that 4-inch beam of happiness. I'm tired though. Maybe I should get my iron levels checked.
"If you're going through hell, keep going."
P.S. As a side note, my insurance will not approve any more visits to the naturopathic sports doctor I was seeing. I had already decided to get a second opinion (and maybe a cortisone shot?) so I'll be going to see my podiatrist on the 31st unless they have a cancellation and I can get in sooner.