Monday, August 27, 2012

White Noise

I'm a fan of white noise when I'm trying to rest.  In fact, since I've been an adult, I have run a fan in my bedroom simply for the white noise.  When we travel and that background hum is missing, I truly don't sleep as well.

Knowing that about myself I've found it interesting that on days when my foot pain is minimal, I actually think clearer.  Or maybe I should just say that I'm actually able to think.  Because that injury provides constant background noise to my life.  I suppose it is more clamoring - like a car alarm that is going off and no one is clicking a key to shut it down.  When my foot doesn't throb, it's as if I've suddenly been put in a quiet, peaceful room with a fan running, and I'm able to calm down to clarity.

That clarity allows me to feel hope. Which in turn allows me to think about what strategy I want to put in place to undo the all-over damage caused by my foot injury.  It's as if without the constant throbbing I can suddenly picture a future that includes me being able to live very healthfully and satisfactorily. I'm struggling not to use the word "normal" but it's probably what I should be saying as my version of normal is what I want back.

I'm definitely at a cross roads and it's because of this foot situation that I've even realized it or thought about it.  Had my usual gone on I'd not have been thinking about anything in regards to what I actually want to do.  But with "normal" taken away it has caused me to do some pretty deep self-examination.  If you're a person who believes everything happens for a reason, perhaps this was my reason.

The decision I am staring at puts me at a fork where I am either going to buckle down and no matter what it takes, no matter injuries, no matter thyroid, no matter any of it LOSE WEIGHT - or - be satisfied with right where I am right this minute.

I have always been a person who, 90% of the time, eats quite healthfully even if portions were a bit too big.  So eating correctly really isn't the issue for me.  I can do it. In fact as the background noise of my foot is lessening, I'm finding myself just naturally making more healthful choices.

I think the key here is satisfaction and self-acceptance, no matter what.  I have to choose one or the other and then be ready to be happy with my decision. If I don't, I'm not going to feel any spiritual or emotional peace.  I have got to get to the point where I'm at peace, no matter the circumstance.  I cannot continue to live feeling so discombobulated and restless all the time.

Sometimes a 'thing' is put out there by the universe and you just know it was meant for you to see it.  I got timelined by Facebook over the weekend and all sorts of stuff that I probably wouldn't have seen, popped into my newsfeed.  As I spent time fixing it (sorry but I don't care to see what you 'like'), I came across something that I knew had been put in my path by the universe.

When you accept yourself just as you are, with all the shortcomings, flaws and imperfections that you know you have, you simultaneously give yourself permission to do something about them. And just in case there is anyone who may be feeling a bit confused. How can you accept yourself and at the same time want to change something about yourself? The answer is simple; accepting something is not the same thing as liking it. 
You can accept that you have a very short fuse around people you don’t like. You can accept that you feel terribly uncomfortable in social situations. You can accept the fact that you are drinking way too much in the evenings. At the same time you can decide to change these things because you don’t like them or the consequences they are causing in your life... In fact unless you accept yourself and these challenges, you are going to be powerless to change them. The pathway to permanent and lasting change is self-acceptance. – Paul David Cohn

Bells started going off:  ACCEPTING SOMETHING IS NOT THE SAME THING AS LIKING IT.   Accepting myself and wanting to lose the weight I feel is holding me down are not mutually exclusive. I can accept myself but not my fat! I've been thinking hard about this all weekend.  I saved the full text of Paul David Cohn's post and have been reading it over and over.

Now, I stand at this fork in the road and know that I have to make the choice of moving forward into self acceptance. I need to be courageous enough to love myself yet change the things I don't like without beating myself up in the process. "The courage to change the things I can..." Then and only then will I get to live with a background hum of beautifully quiet white noise.


  1. Hmmmm...where have I heard this before?? ;-)


  2. Great post, gives us all something to think about.

  3. I am finally accepting that I can't go back to sweets ad lib....
    I don't like it.... you are right!

  4. Acceptance allows us to hope and hope begats change. I totally agree with this. Thanks for sharing. Also, I understand how living with pain can really cloud one's thinking. I know I was a different person for the several months after my injury, and I made some decisions that were out of character, simply because it was so difficult to think.. The best thing is that healing can happen with time, and we can change some of the things we want to change.

    You are so self-aware and have the courage to do what you need to do. As for me, I have to remember this: "accepting something is not the same as liking it." Here's to "beautifully quiet white noise."

  5. Acceptance of the what is is essential. For everything. Acceptance has certainly been the key to my weekend.

  6. I really like what Jane added--hope. It is hard to live without hope, and it is hard to have hope when you live with constant pain.

    I'm glad you are getting little bits of time without the pain (or at least with less of it) so you can think and dream and hope.

  7. This was my favorite line of your post:

    "I need to be courageous enough to love myself yet change the things I don't like without beating myself up in the process."

    This is a very thought prevoking post Helen!! Hugs!

  8. I like this post so much. For years I though I was accepting myself by accepting being fat. What I was doing was accepting defeat. Now I know I love myself enough to be healthy. It's ok to mess up, but strive to be better. I'm not perfect, never will be. That's ok. This whole post rings so very true with me. Hope your foot gets better very soon.

  9. Lovely post. It sounds like you're starting to come out of your pain coma, and are figuring out what is important to you and what you are willing to do. Looking forward to watching it unfold! :)

  10. Really good post. Just what I needed to read today. I'm going to think about that quote. It's a good one.


  11. I had read that full blog post with that quote in there because I remember how it so strongly rang a chord with me, too.

    I think you need not a "normal", but a "peace".

  12. Really great post! We love white noise too and run fans while we sleep. :)

  13. Beautiful. You've come to a good place, Helen. On the way to a good Peace.

  14. Accepting something doesn't mean having to like it really hit home for me. This post really gave me something to think about. It sounds like you are really moving forwards in your journey.

  15. This resonated with me as with all the others.
    I think HERE when I dont accept----my BACK HURTS.


  16. Great post.

    And I also have a fan for white noise. As a matter of fact, I take it with me when I travel. :)