Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Tuesday Ten Things I'm Not Talking About

but that I cant stop thinking about.....

10.  My injuries have overwhelmed me physically.  Since April when they first started, I have slowly gained back around 10 pounds (~ 2lbs./month).  I'm sure it's due to reduced activity and NOT reduced eating.  Not that I'm eating more it's just that I haven't cut back since I'm having to modify so much of my exercise.  But I'm so emotionally drained I almost don't care to do anything about it.  Some days I honestly have thoughts like, "food is the only pleasure I have left and I'm not going to restrict it!"

9.  My various physical injuries have overwhelmed me emotionally and mentally even though things are slowly getting better.  But I am fearful, especially about my foot.  What if it 'never' gets completely better?  Because you know, last year I had that nerve/cervical incident and spent weeks and $$ on treatments and to this day I still cannot feel the index finger on my right hand.

8.  Last Saturday we had our first timed run for the black belt test.  They wanted to see who needs to work on it and who is fine now.  I missed the time limit by 2 minutes but considering my injured foot and the temperature/humidity I wasn't completely upset by my time.  There was a period of time, not too long ago, uninjured and 20 pounds lighter that making the time wouldn't have been a problem. While I don't care that I'm running with an injured foot because I suppose I'm hoping it will be better soon (please?), I do care that I'm running overweight but evidently not enough to do anything about itI'm very angry/upset/disappointed with myself.

7. My house is driving me crazy.  There are all these little corners that need organizing/cleaning out.  But we're having a good summer so I don't feel like spending any extra time doing it when I'd rather go to the beach instead.  So I ignore it and go/do what I want to, but then I get back home and it's driving me crazy.  Crazy.  Why don't I pick one project and work on that a little at a time?  I actually 'think' about doing that but then I feel too discombobulated and distracted to concentrate. Instead, I put on the TV and watch some dumb reality show - or eat something - or have a glass of wine -  to just. not. think. and to drown out the crazy feeling.  Any one of those only works temporarily and then I'm back to crazy.

6.  Recently, I interviewed for and got a job that has been a dream job for me for as long as I can remember.  Within 24 hours, I lost the job because they offered me one salary then called me back 12 hours later and reduced the salary due to "provisions in the union contract."  The first salary was already a bit of a pay cut but the second would have been $10,000 less than what I currently make and we (Mr. Helen and I) couldn't swing that no matter how we finagled.  I was devastated for a couple of days and since then have just been sad.

5.  I have to find a new job because I am terrified (and certain) that I'm losing my skills as there are days when I literally sit and do not one thing.  Not one.  But jobs I'm qualified for are few and far between.  Which is another reason I've been feeling sad.  What if I'm trapped in this job?

4.  I wish we could figure out a way for me to stop working all together, but that's never going to happen.  Truthfully all my working life I've wished I could either have one of my dream jobs or not have to work.  Between marrying poor, us not even buying our first home until we were in mid-life, and my own lack of skills/college degree or whatever, no go on either of those options. So I suck it up.

3.  Every. single. day. I get up and want to call out of work and out of my life and just get in my car and leave.  I don't even know where to, just not here. Probably the reason God won't let me win the lottery because if I had the money that's exactly what I'd do.

2.  I'm tired. Exhausted really.  It's affecting my ability to be happy for anyone else who has something good going on for them.  I just feel pissed and jealous and evil. Unreasonable.

1.  All of the above are reasons I'm not blogging much.  I'm actually sick of myself.  

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Tuesday Ten

"Every time we come close to a breakthrough, she backs away for fear of what is on the other side."
Chris Powell (health and fitness expert who specializes in helping the super obese and who shares my birthday)

"You can't let fear direct your life because you won't move - you just stand still."
Nyla (who went from 435 to 278 pounds over the course of a year, facing her biggest fears)

"The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back.  That's real glory.  That's the essence of it."
Vince Lombardi

"The abundant life does not come to those who have had a lot of obstacles removed from their path by others.  It develops from within and is rooted in strong mental and moral fiber.
William Mather Lewis

"You can have anything want, if you want it badly enough.  You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose."
Abraham Lincoln

Monday, July 9, 2012

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Here I am with nothing to say.  I can't believe it but I feel like all my words have just dried up.  I've been thinking hard about it all week and I've decided to take a break from blogging or rather writing blogs.  I'll be around the internets to read but I just don't want the pressure of having to think of something to write, especially since I started the blog as a place to sort of empty my thoughts.  I guess my head is all emptied out right now.  Anyway, that's it - back when I have something worth writing about.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Cycling out of My Comfort Zone

As I stated at the beginning of June, I had a goal to lose 6 pounds.  Recapping the month, the first week I would have weighed in, my sister-in-law had stepped on the Zero Scale and made it look like I gained 24+ pounds the first week.  The second weigh in I lost 2 pounds.  Last week I forgot to weigh myself and this week I weighed myself but no photo because I left my camera at work on my desk and though I tried with the iPhone, it was so blurry you can't read it.  So you'll have to trust me when I say that I got exactly what I deserved based on how I've been eating and my total loss for the month was .6.  That's point six (i.e. just over half a pound) if you can't see the point.  So that's that.

I call that maintaining and since I "supposedly" want to lose weight and not maintain, the whole thing has been rumbling in my brain all weekend.  I mean, I keep paying lip service to weight loss but actions speak louder than words.  Even though I know I'm at a very, very dangerous place in this comfort zone I'm in, I can't seem to break out of it. It seems that good enough is good enough.

Ironically (or maybe not if you're a person who believes karma will put you where you need to be), by accident, I caught  the beginning of Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition (and I say accident because I didn't know that show was on) last night and saw part of the story of Mike who weighed 493 lbs.  He was given the opportunity to work with personal trainer Chris Powell for a year to try to lose half his body weight.  During the very first workout, Chris ended up walking away after threatening that he would quit because Mike wasn't giving 100%.  Mike wasn't even really giving 50% and Chris' attitude is that there are a lot of people who would give a thousand percent to have the opportunity therefore Mike needed to sit and think about what he was going to lose if Chris permanently walked away.  Chris explained:
"This whole process is about learning to be uncomfortable and learning to be OK with that.  It's mind over body."
Right at that moment I felt like he was speaking to me.

You see, I went to my first cycle class for black belt on Saturday and as I've mentioned before I've been pretty nerved up about it. We had a short informational meeting about what the requirements were to pass our test and then we were put through a fitness test so that not only the senseis but also so we could understand where we are and what we need to work on as individuals.  It was hard.  It was really hard.  At one point as we were doing sprints, the instruction was to run to the first station, drop and do a burpee, then come up and do a knee up, run back to base then run to second station, etc. (there were 4 stations). The knee up is not something that is done in Muay Thai - it's a karate move. It consists up jumping straight up in the air while pulling your knees to your chest.  I happened to be in a line with all karate students, one of whom is an adult testing for third degree.  I looked right at him and said, "Tom, I can't do that.  We don't do that in Muay Thai."  He responded, "You can do it.  Don't say you can't.  Watch us, copy what we do, and then remember, it's mind over body."  At the end of the class as I was picking up my gear he walked over and said, "Helen, if you hadn't said to me that you couldn't do that move, I would have thought you were a karate student.  You did those knee ups perfectly.  Your knees came up high, your arms stayed tucked in and you kept your fists right under your chin.  I don't ever want to hear the word can't come out of your mouth again."  I thanked him and then said maybe it was all the years of watching Mr. Helen.  

In any case, I came away Saturday having survived the cycle and knowing that in the next 6 months it was going to be mind over body.  To have that reiterated again only confirmed to me what my July goal would be:

Be Uncomfortable
Mind Over Body
Mind Over Food