10. My injuries have overwhelmed me physically. Since April when they first started, I have slowly gained back around 10 pounds (~ 2lbs./month). I'm sure it's due to reduced activity and NOT reduced eating. Not that I'm eating more it's just that I haven't cut back since I'm having to modify so much of my exercise. But I'm so emotionally drained I almost don't care to do anything about it. Some days I honestly have thoughts like, "food is the only pleasure I have left and I'm not going to restrict it!"
9. My various physical injuries have overwhelmed me emotionally and mentally even though things are slowly getting better. But I am fearful, especially about my foot. What if it 'never' gets completely better? Because you know, last year I had that nerve/cervical incident and spent weeks and $$ on treatments and to this day I still cannot feel the index finger on my right hand.
8. Last Saturday we had our first timed run for the black belt test. They wanted to see who needs to work on it and who is fine now. I missed the time limit by 2 minutes but considering my injured foot and the temperature/humidity I wasn't completely upset by my time. There was a period of time, not too long ago, uninjured and 20 pounds lighter that making the time wouldn't have been a problem. While I don't care that I'm running with an injured foot because I suppose I'm hoping it will be better soon (please?), I do care that I'm running overweight
7. My house is driving me crazy. There are all these little corners that need organizing/cleaning out. But we're having a good summer so I don't feel like spending any extra time doing it when I'd rather go to the beach instead. So I ignore it and go/do what I want to, but then I get back home and it's driving me crazy. Crazy. Why don't I pick one project and work on that a little at a time? I actually 'think' about doing that but then I feel too discombobulated and distracted to concentrate. Instead, I put on the TV and watch some dumb reality show - or eat something - or have a glass of wine - to just. not. think. and to drown out the crazy feeling. Any one of those only works temporarily and then I'm back to crazy.
6. Recently, I interviewed for and got a job that has been a dream job for me for as long as I can remember. Within 24 hours, I lost the job because they offered me one salary then called me back 12 hours later and reduced the salary due to "provisions in the union contract." The first salary was already a bit of a pay cut but the second would have been $10,000 less than what I currently make and we (Mr. Helen and I) couldn't swing that no matter how we finagled. I was devastated for a couple of days and since then have just been sad.
5. I have to find a new job because I am terrified (and certain) that I'm losing my skills as there are days when I literally sit and do not one thing. Not one. But jobs I'm qualified for are few and far between. Which is another reason I've been feeling sad. What if I'm trapped in this job?
4. I wish we could figure out a way for me to stop working all together, but that's never going to happen. Truthfully all my working life I've wished I could either have one of my dream jobs or not have to work. Between marrying poor, us not even buying our first home until we were in mid-life, and my own lack of skills/college degree or whatever, no go on either of those options. So I suck it up.
3. Every. single. day. I get up and want to call out of work and out of my life and just get in my car and leave. I don't even know where to, just not here. Probably the reason God won't let me win the lottery because if I had the money that's exactly what I'd do.
2. I'm tired. Exhausted really. It's affecting my ability to be happy for anyone else who has something good going on for them. I just feel pissed and jealous and evil. Unreasonable.
1. All of the above are reasons I'm not blogging much. I'm actually sick of myself.