Friday, March 28, 2014


I feel so restless these days and I can't seem to simmer down.  Winter has dragged on far too long and it seems like spring will never be here.  Things that normally wouldn't phase me are making my skin crawl.  I almost feel like I need to be in complete isolation so I don't do or say anything damaging to the people I love.

What I want more than anything is a bit of sameness, a bit of just easy flow with no major issues thrown in.  I guess I feel like it has been life, disrupted for far too long. 

I appreciate the advice given on my last post - maybe my restlessness is also being cause by the many things that are up in the air right now in both my personal and professional life.  There were several things that were take-aways for me and that I will be doing some thinking about:

  • Things will shift. They always do. Not always as we'd like, but everything changes.
For far too long things have not changed – it’s been one thing after another, especially with my health.  Between running injuries and other miscellaneous things that have cropped up, I am so sick of thinking and talking about it that I’ve just stopped.  I am going to wait for the shift and stop being stressed about it.  In fact, I’ve done something this past week that I’ve never before done on my own:  I had an issue that cropped up in my hip that got so bad over the last two weeks, it was making me hobble even when casually walking.  Something had to change and this was all I could think of:  no running for a few days while I foam roll and take some anti-inflammatories.  Yesterday I began to think of this as “waiting for the shift.” Of course I wonder how long I will have to wait - or if I'll even be able to get started again...

  • I never beat myself up for not reaching a goal.
The perfectionist in me needs to learn how to put this into action.  I think the constant beating I give myself contributes to discouragement and eventually just quitting and not even trying anymore.  Then I get upset that I’m failing and I try again – don’t meet goal – quit.  It’s a vicious, vicious cycle.

  • I tend to stick to things if what I am doing is good for me to keep doing. It may not be yielding results, but it isn't harming. 
Don’t quit the good Helen.  Find what IS working and concentrate on that. What if suddenly everything shifts and you start getting results?

  • Do whatever it takes, even if that means stepping outside of your comfort zone, to live the life and be the person you want to be.
For most of my adult life I worked two jobs.  Suddenly 10 years ago, I didn't have to do that any more and took advantage of only working full time.  We are now staring at retirement and have some goals for that.  Due to a variety of reasons I probably need to get a part-time job so that we can meet some of the financial goals. Mr. Helen already works full and part time and has been for some time. I don't want to.  It's making me frustrated that I even have to consider it - yet I know if I do the other frustrations I'm feeling will ease.  It's such a catch-22. 

  • I also talk things over with John (or someone else) to bounce ideas and get a fresh perspective on stuff.
  • Again, going out to a coffee shop and talking helps relieve a lot of stress for me.
  • Pray. Read my Bible, looking for answers. Talk to my BF. Stew about it. Repeat. Realize the stewing about it doesn't help and try to eliminate that part of the process. Repeat
I do believe in prayer – in whatever form it takes for each of us.  For me, I think there’s way too much of “Dear God I can’t take this any more please take it away!” type of prayer, which sometimes I'm not even sure is real prayer. Talking things over with someone is something I really, really need to work on.  Truth be told I also need this person to be someone other than Mr. Helen.  Here’s a secret though – I honestly haven’t had a really good (in person, local) friend for many years (over 25 years I'd say).  I tend to be a loner, which makes it hard to make friends – and I think making friends is hard as an adult anyway.  We tend to have more acquaintances than real friends as we age.  Not to mention that I truly believe Facebook has messed up the definition of "friend." Over the last year I’ve slowly been becoming friends with someone but I think past failure at forming a close friendship keeps me from trying harder.

Actually only time will tell with all of this... I'm not trying to excuse anything, just examine it objectively. I'm also a bit tired of having all this stuff rattling around and would really like some resolution.  I probably just need that vacation we have coming up really badly.  A time of complete escape, rest, and relaxation.

Ironically, in the midst of writing this blog, I came across this:

"To get to the finish line, you'll have to try lots of different paths."
- Amby Burfoot


    I am a quitter and not so much entirely but a SHIFTER ala that final quote.
    I stick with the good as end goal but am always changing my path there.

  2. Jeez Helen, that was a lot to keep bottled up. I hope it feels good to at least get that out there.

    Restless defines my life right now, especially with our house and the not knowing. Drives me nuts.

    As for the part time job - Maybe you could find something that you really love and interests you instead of just a grinding it out job for money. That will make it more tolerable. Or maybe you could use a creative outlet to burn some of that restlessness into.

    1. It's funny to me that you see it as bottled up.To me it's just what I have to deal with - and I have no outlet. Yeah, that's bottled up lol. I guess that's why my doc keeps saying reduce your stress!

  3. Wow, I can't imagine working two jobs. I hope you don't have to do that.

    Yes I agree with you about it being hard to make good friends. Plus, I think that most of us bloggers do tend to be loners (thus our use of the internet to "connect.") I hope you can find someone that you can really connect with. Even though I'm not married, I know that most of my married friends do need another (woman) outlet to talk with.

    1. As we are just about 4 weeks away from our vacation, I probably will stop looking for something part time until after then. I just keep doing more bad praying and begging God to just put the perfect thing in my lap :)

      Oh yes, women definitely need other women. Even the most supportive husband just can't fill that void.

  4. I can identify with everything you wrote. Life can be a b---- sometimes, and it often seems that it throws us for a loop in ways we never imagined--health, family issues, financial issues, death of family or friends. In fact, it is always something, so it seems.

    . I also agree with Debby that we bloggers do tend to be loners, but the thing is, we don't think we should be, so we think a lot about having a BFF who fulfills the voids of our lives. I have friends, but no one I can really bare my soul with. I have also come to understand that if I really wanted this, I would have it, so it's likely that I don't really feel comfortable having a woman friend in my life with whom I am THAT close. It's a big responsibility, and sometimes it can be heartbreaking if the relationship comes to an end. I would call my relationships with women friends moderately close, but I keep a lot of things to myself. Hubby knows most of my feelings, but perhaps not everything..

    I'm glad that you have acknowledged your feelings, Helen. I also think you're much too hard on yourself, but sometimes it's difficult not to be. I wish I could say something that would fix everything, but sometimes only time will help. I have friends who see therapists/counselors as a sounding board. I have never done that myself, but I have certainly thought about it, and never say never.

    I hope that spring will bring relief for you. I think living in these cold, snowy climates are very hard on some of us, and your mood may brighten as the days do. Take care of yourself during this time of stress.

    1. Jane, you're not the first person to say I'm too hard on myself. It's that perfectionist thing I think. Never good enough...

      I also keep so much to myself. A lot of that comes from a huge betrayal by someone I called my best friend some years ago. Not sure I'll ever be able to trust that way again and for my poor husband it would be a burden.

      I'm sure my mood will brighten as the days do... plus a month to the Caribbean? Oh yeah!

  5. This post gives me a lot to think about, I recognize a lot.

    It's funny that R. said to me just a couple of weeks ago that I'm a loner. I already knew that, I have always been and I don't mind.
    I have three friends I can turn to when I need them and the best thing about them is that they are a bit like me: we don't have to see each other every week but when we do we go on where we ended last time we saw each other. I'm happy to have them.
    But I don't often share my worries or problems with them, I don't even share them with R. most of the time, I always try to solve things on my own. Maybe not good but that's the way I have always been even as a kid.
    And I agree that it's hard to make friends when you're an adult.

    I am fortunate enough that we both have fulltime jobs with a retirement insurance although this is a real issue lately in my country. Not sure if there will be enough money when we retire (at 67 here in Holland). Not worrying about that now, For me it would suck too if I had to get a second part time job. I love work but I love my free time more.

  6. Believe it or not, I don't have many local friends either. Once I moved 55 miles from where I lived 14 years ago, I was no longer "convenient" for my friends I'd talk to and see on a near daily basis.

    And I am with you on the second job - to think that I thought working one job was a pain, now I have two? I wonder how long I'll have to do it - if Tony will ever work again, and I think about how once it gets nice out, how I'll dread going to the restaurant on the weekends when I'd rather be home grilling.

    Just want to send you big hugs, hope you find your answers, and keep looking at that vacation - I know you need it!

  7. I'm very glad you have this outlet for getting some of your worries/frustrations out - and since I'm late to the party, I'm also hoping that things feel better this week? Plus, your vacation is that much closer, hurray!

  8. Hang in there Helen. I'm sending a HUGE ELECTRONIC HUG over the border to you!!!!!