When I sent her my final weigh in, I said, "I know I've been sick all week and haven't exercised a lick since last Monday but I was also eating 1200 or calories or so every day because I wasn't feeling well. In fact, there were some days when you asked me to eat more because it was so low. I mean really that should have equaled weight loss. Whatever. And so, now you know exactly what I've been doing for a very long time now... round and round, upside down. And now you also know why I just stopped the madness and quit tracking. I mean if I can not track and just eat and exercise and weigh this weight or I can track, count every bite I put into my mouth and weigh this weight, well.... the whole process is exhausting."
It's easy to blame my thyroid, which is almost what she did when she emailed me back, but the point was I KNOW my thyroid is an issue and you're supposed to help me figure that out. She did say that she feels my metabolism is seriously stuck, even eating about 1400 calories a day and exercising 5 days a week, then she apologized that she couldn't seem to help. Funny (not ha ha but ironically funny), I'm the first person she's ever taken on that was unable to lose weight. I'm her first failure. I'M NUMBER ONE!! Go, me.
She really wanted me to try another 12 weeks but I'm choosing not to at this time. Even though my doctor is adjusting my medications it takes a while for that to kick in and honestly, I don't have much faith in that anyway. I've worked very hard in the last year to stop the dieting madness and mentality and the whole process had begun to make me feel crazed.
I do have some disappointments surrounding this. You know how when you begin you are optimistic? I'm more of a glass half empty type of person but I allowed myself to think glass half full and even believed that I might be able to lose about 10% of my weight over the course of the 12 weeks. That gave me some pictures in my head as to the possibilities for the beautiful dresses I might buy in July for Little Helen's wedding (contingent on slow but steady weight loss). At my current size I'm pretty sure I can't even shop at the place where I wanted to get my dress, so I've got to let that go and make peace with it.
Of course I'm also disappointed because I was hoping for improvements in my overall health instead of the sort of distastrous visit I had with the doctor. Another thing I need to just face and make peace with.
In any case, I'm right back where I started with no more clarity than I had in January. I wish it was where I started pre-thyroid disease, but it's just not. I may never get to be there again.