Monday, June 15, 2015

I Can Never Go Back

I have been looking for some inspiration, information or some other "ation" to get myself out of the funk I've been in.  You have no idea what it's like to wake up every day and just wish to not feel this way.  While I do better and feel better on beautiful weather days, the fact is that not all days are going to be 80 degrees and sunny with no humidity.

I've been looking through tons of photos I took in the Grand Canyon and on our trips to St. Martin as I work on the project of turning them into the art for our family room walls.  As I went through them, I noticed my size and weight and how it literally has been all over the place over the past 10 years (July of 2005 is when I was diagnosed hypothyroid). At one point I found a photo of myself and Mr. Helen on a beach, looked at it, then thought "that's what I want right now."

That in turn led me back through this blog and through food trackers and diaries looking to see what it was that I was doing at the time. As I read and looked back and forth at the photo I had that deja vu-ish feeling and distinctly remembered when we took that picture I was wishing I was a little more toned and a little bit smaller in size... the same size I want to be right now!

Will I ever be satisfied?

As you know I've been wearing a Fitbit to track sleep issues.  And while that has gotten a bit better, I am still working with my doctor because I still have too many nights of restless sleep.  'Rest-less' is really a great word to describe it because the days after those nights I do not feel rested at all.



But I digress.  The Fitbit also provides information on steps, heart rate, active minutes, distance, floor climbed and calories in/out.   While I just haven't paid any attention to that, I decided I wanted to see if the statistics could shed any light onto my stagnation as I realized I wasn't doing too much different from what I was doing a few years ago when I took the magical photo.

The Fitbit allows you to set goals for weight loss, i.e. 1-2 lbs. per week and then prorates your caloric intake over the course of the day so you have real time information if you are eating too much or too little to make your goal.  I set mine midway - for 1.5 lbs. of weight loss a week - i.e. a 750 calorie deficit. Then I committed to tracking food for one day BUT I chose to do this on a day when I didn't exercise and also a day when I had to work both jobs. I wanted the number of steps and calories burned to be just an average day - or actually a low calorie burn day.  I also committed to NOT looking at the stats until Wednesday morning and to just eat like I normally would. As it turned out, the steps were a bit low (I generally do about 7,000 without any exercise) because I ended up being tied to my desk at my full time job, but this is what I saw:


And right when I saw that, I knew I never could go back to hard core dieting.  You see, if I wanted to lose 2 lbs. a week, my caloric intake on that day would have to have been around 1000 calories.  I know 300 calories doesn't seem like much, but to me it would be the difference between living a life and being in a diet prison.

And yes, I realize if I exercised, I would burn 300-400 calories and could have still eaten 1400 and been within range for 2 lb. weight loss - or I could have eaten more, but the honest truth is, there are days when I don't exercise and that a fact.  This was just proof that I can never go back to being a slave to those statistics.

I can never go back to worrying about this.  I am honestly and truly satisfied with how and what I eat and I appreciate not being obsessed with every bite that goes into my mouth.  Instead I am trying my best to work out 4-5 times a week, eat whole foods, and now and then, allow a treat of some sort.  I'm also back to staying off the scale.  Those numbers mean nothing in the long run.

I suppose the next step is to get myself satisfied with the rest of it - to appreciate my hard work and realize that even if it's at a snails pace, some day it will pay off - even if the pay off is longer life due to better health. And maybe, just maybe I will go back - go back to the size I was in the magical photo.  But this time, I'm going to appreciate it.


13 comments:

  1. I think you are too hard on yourself Helen. I know I can't change the way you feel and think about yourself but I think you are a beautiful woman and look great. We will never look how we looked at 18 but that's okay. Beauty comes with age too.

    Be a little kinder to yourself, you so deserve that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Fran. Next time I'm super bummed I'm going to email you and say, "Fran give me a pep talk, I'm being to hard on myself" LOL! Seriously I'd probably call you if you lived nearby :)

      Delete
    2. Please do if you need a pep talk!

      Delete
    3. I second that!!!! Be kind to yourself Helen! And btw....Fran is VERY good at pep talks! :)

      Delete
  2. I do the same thing with pictures, even ones from a couple of years ago...which is why I'm working really hard on myself to appreciate and be content with the body I have now - because if history is an indicator, I'll be hagging out in another few years, and I'll wish for what I have now, LOL!

    Glad you are not being a slave to your scale, Fitbit, or a too-low amount of calories. Life is just too short for all of that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ain't it the truth. That's why I tell my younger friends who are in their 20's and 30's (and even 40's) to appreciate what they have right that minute! I'm so NOT a slave to the Fitbit that I've pretty much only been wearing it for sleep. Other than the heartrate a lot of the numbers it offers up are pretty random IMHO. I mean, I could get 20,000 "steps" on a busy housework/grocery shopping Saturday. What does that mean exactly? LOL.

      Delete
    2. Yeah, I guess I'm active enough that I don't count my shopping steps as exercise...

      Delete
  3. I have been reading all your blog and find you such a great Hoot!! you are amusing and serious in equal parts, but the mood conveyed is very positive and I liked that a lot.. I do hope that your daughter's wedding goes well and that she will be happily married like you are with your young man! I am going to celebrate our 25th this september, to my second husband, I only made 23 with the first one.. so life can be grand if you let it!! See you again soon, Janzi

    ReplyDelete
  4. I wish I could wrap up a box of sunshine for you Helen! Sending hugs your way. I agree with Shelley's comment - life is too short to be a slave to the scale - I hope I see you dancing soon! Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I really enjoyed this post. To me it is about liking and accepting ourselves where we are today, and doing our best today. I have an older sister that always puts things in perspective for me. Some time ago when I was a born again dieter and very preachy to her about healthy eating she gave me an ounce of truth - she said: I don't care how much of that shit (green veggies) you eat, none of us are going to make it out of here alive!

    She made me laugh at myself, as I know few people who enjoy living their lives as much as she enjoys living hers. She has close friends, she travels frequently, she reads constantly, and she enjoys her life. She eats whatever she wants when she wants and someday will pass this life having done it her way. Calorie counting be damned.

    ReplyDelete
  6. My favorite post.

    I love my Fitbit because it reminds me to move more. That's all. Move.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I can do the same thing, just looking in the mirror (both thinking I look nice AND thinking I need to lose weight). And sometimes its on the same day at (obviously) the same weight. I don't know if its the mirror or my attitude or some weird hormones. But I do truly enjoy that feeling of being satisfied with my appearance.

    I do think there is value in looking back, and realizing how you felt and/or acted at various stages and weights. And realizing that you were not satisfied at that "magical weight" is key to start being satisfied at your current weight (I'm talking to myself and women in general, not just you :) )

    ReplyDelete
  8. It bums me out that you are in a funk. I truly hope you can be happy as you are now. I think being happy while you work on yourself is way better than actually achieving the goal.

    " Instead I am trying my best to work out 4-5 times a week, eat whole foods, and now and then, allow a treat of some sort. " This is pretty much my life right now. Although I do weigh once a week. I have a scale that doesn't tell me a number, just if I have lost or gained any weight, which is kind of nice. It's my MaryLou's weigh and while sometimes her perky comments annoy me in the morning, it's never frustrating to get on it.

    My email is always open as well if you need a pep talk or a vent piece.

    ReplyDelete