Thursday, March 23, 2017

Everything Imploded But It's a Relief

You know that saying about the best laid plans, right?

A couple weeks ago, right after I put my goals out into the universe, my weight had a huge upswing, which really messed with my head. I griped in an email to Shelley, who acted like the BIF that she is:  supportive and sympathetic.  She also restated why she gave up the scale several years ago.  Which I totally get... and which I have now done, at least for a while.  Because followed by the huge upswing, I lost a tiny amount and then had another big gain.  That's my wonky thyroid.  This is a been there, done that situation for me and I know the best and kindest thing I can do for myself is to stop trying to track my progress via the scale.  I am continuing to eat well and exercise regularly and eventually my thyroid will simmer down and I can go back to using the scale should I choose.

Those few weeks were so stressful and I began to dread my weigh-in.  Honestly, it has been a huge relief to just let it go.

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My mother-in-law died this past Tuesday after a 22-year diagnosis of Alzheimer's.  Her type was slow moving and she was able to be at home until 6 years ago.  Over the last 6 years she degraded much more quickly - ultimately not remembering anyone and becoming mute and still.  A few weeks ago, she stopped chewing so there was no more feeding her.  She was quite willing to drink so she was fed high calorie drinks until this past Friday when she just stopped swallowing.  By Sunday, Hospice had been called in to keep her comfortable and she died very early Tuesday morning.

While the family is grieving, they have really been grieving for years. So, in some ways, her death is a relief.  It is truly inexplicably horrible to have a person you love there in body, but not in mind or spirit - to watch them slowly devolve into nothingness.  I wouldn't wish 22 years of that on anyone.

Because relatives are traveling from down south, her service won't be until a week from today. Several people have mentioned how long that is to wait, but for this family, in the scheme of things, it's not long at all.

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I know I also mentioned about a couple races I'd decided to sign up for, the first of which was a quarter marathon.  Well, just as I needed to ramp up my mileage to prepare to run that distance, our weather became completely uncooperative.  Winter, which should have been over with roared in at the end of February and has stuck around.  We should be having temps in the 50's right now and it has been in the 30's along with relentless winds that have given us feel like temps in the teens.  Oh, and we had several snow storms.  Which meant my longer runs have had to be done on a treadmill.  Not the best way to train for a road race.

Even though I started thinking I should maybe just not run this race as it seemed like the training for it was just stupid hard for no reason, I just pushed through and kept on.  At one point a couple weeks ago I mentioned to some friends that this race was allowing a deferral or transfer if you requested it by March 24th and of course they all cheerleaded, "You can run this no problem! Who cares if most of your longer runs have been on a treadmill!" Etc., etc. You'd think at my age I'd have learned by now to pay attention to possible warning signs but nope, I just barreled on ahead.

When my mother-in-law died, the decision was made for me.  Because of the timing of her services, I will have a house full of company and many family activities Wednesday-Sunday of next week and the race is Saturday.  Yesterday I contacted the race director to find out what my choices were:  Defer to 2018 , or run a 5K or half marathon put on by this same race director. The 5K will be held when I am on vacation and I have no desire to run a half marathon at this time, so I deferred until 2018.  Who knows if I'll even want to run it then but that was basically the only choice except just not running, which might still happen in 2018.  We'll see.

But here's the thing.  As soon as I had deferred that race, I felt a huge surge of relief.  I can't even explain it properly but I suddenly felt free.  I still have the 10K in May so let's see how that goes.

It's odd how life is sometimes - you make your plans then everything changes.  I think that's one reason why I generally don't put goals out in the universe.  My experience is that once you do that, God laughs.  This time around, it's all a relief.

8 comments:

  1. My granddaddy had Alzheimer's and it was such a difficult thing to watch. I gave up the scale years ago because I found it to be some sort of sabotage. The negative effect it gave was so much that it overshadowed any positives. And then I gave up on everything so...LOL I love the last paragraph of this post. Spot on. :)

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  2. Many hugs to you and your family Helen.

    Plans get derailed all the time. I think it is smart of you to defer, particularly given how relieved you felt afterwards.

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  3. Wow, implode is a good word. But your reaction to it is wonderful to hear. I am with you on the scale. I admire Shelley for giving it up completely.

    22 years is such a long time to care for a loved one with Alzheimers. I admire your family. Thoughts and prayers will be with you for the days ahead, Helen.

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  4. You've had a lot on your plate and I'm so glad you're giving yourself what breaks you can, with the race and the @#$%! scale.

    I didn't know it had been 22 years with your MIL - oh man, that is a lifetime of illness in itself. Peace to the entire family as everyone finds their new normal.

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  5. May your MIL rest in peace! May God strenghten you and family in this period of grief!

    We usually blame age, genetics, metabolism, thyroid for our weight gain - and it is true. All these factors affect our weight. However , it's not the whole truth.

    From my personal experience, adequate nutrition (based on the word 'low' - low calorie, low fat, low sugar , etc...) + 7-8 hours of sleep - this is the formula that helps with weightloss and with maintaining a normal weight.

    Exercise is very beneficial to health in general, but does little about weightloss.
    Scales are important in the process, and one should buy a good device. I have Tanita solar scales which work both in daylight and in artificial light , and are quite reliable.

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  6. When I was in high school I volunteered at a nursing home, basically to play games, take walks etc. one woman thought I was her daughter and cried and cried to me about how much she missed me and why didn't I visit her very often. The nurse told me she that to every woman with brown hair, and that her daughter did in fact visit every day. It's such a cruel disease.

    So sorry for your loss, but glad ironically you got some weight lifted off of your shoulders. Hugs!!

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  7. I am so sorry to hear about your mother in law. Hugs to you and all your family.

    I'm glad it worked out for you to defer that race...it still gives you the option next year!!!!!!!

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  8. Sorry for your loss. Here's to saying on your food template and not eating your feelings. It's hard but worth it.

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